Evaluate the Mack: Chi-City Man Part 3

See other posts in the "Evaluate the Mack" series.

I would like to begin by commending Mr. Sherrill on his keen insight into Chi-City Man's use of the Mack Mack, and thanking Mr. Beers for the introduction of this dialogue. I will agree that while Chi-City Man poses in the guise of an educator, his mack could be of a hugeness to overtake this "instructional video." For a later "Evaluate the Mack," indeed the case study in the Mack Mack, I would propose what could be known as the Mystery mack. Where, by asserting oneself as the keeper of all macks, one announces to the opposite sex "I will mack so hard, with such efficiency, your resistance is folly." In this way a Mack in the sense of the Beverage Mack is not even required. Every facet of your being becomes a mack. Your tattoo? Mack. Your billowy pirate shirt? Mack. The binoculars hanging around your neck? Yes. Mack. However, if Chi-City Man merits a singular "Evaluate the Mack," surely Mystery deserves, at minimum, equal consideration.

While the evaluation of C-CM's mack was sound, I found myself confused by Sherrill's reactionist, baseless claims of "corporate advertising" and possible monetary compensation for Chi-City Man's work. This claim is predicated on the notion that somehow Chi-City Man, who put us on to the whip game, was able to coordinate an international effort with the marketing departments of, at the very least, PepsiCo, The Coca-Cola Company, Diageo plc, Triarc Companies and Arizona Beverage. While I believe Chi-City Man to be honest in his intent to both "Get Money" and "Get Paid", are we to believe this herculean effort was accomplished by a man so easily impressed by a trash can available at Target? That, in addition to the Beverage Mack, Chi-City Man possesses some manner of Beverage Advertising Conglomerate Mack? If so, I will drop my vagina panties all over the place.

Mr. Sherrill, in his whimsical if not entirely misguided analysis, misrepresents the brand-laden nature Chi-City Man's mack. What was seen as a "7-minute commercial" is in fact a 7-minute slice of a mack based entirely on commerce. I submit to you, the Diversified Brand Portfolio Mack. Advertisers predicate their work on a foundation in three parts. Segment. Target. Position. To use our current case, Chi-City Man identifies several Segments of the beverage drinking populace. The Mature Chick Over 30 Who Still Drinks Juice. Becky, the Suburban Chick. The Hood Chick. The Holistic, Vegetarian, I Don't Eat Meat, I'm Real Earthy type fucking Erikah Badu Chick. Each of the Brands in Chi-City Man's refrigerator reflects a decision by the above companies to Target these Segments, and Position themselves in the market accordingly. While I do not believe C-CM to have taken any money from corporations, he appears to have been taking extensive notes. By acquiring and arranging all of these brands by target, Chi-City Man is his own brand conglomerate, whose diversified offerings ring the "Booty Register" on a consistent basis. While not having coordinated a formal contract with the above beverage giants, he has built a portfolio of beverages that would be the envy of Indra Nooyi herself.

But I remain vexed, and am anxious to present this final curiosity. While C-CM presents this refridgerator as the source of his mack, where is the stronger alcohol, so crucial to Macks such as the Frat Party Mack, and the Live-Band Karaoke Mack? Why is the lense covered when we move from kitchen to gaming area? What is on the walls that would be so tragic to be shown on camera? How can he so acurately know the facets and moods of the woman-with-child beverage drinker? I can come only to the following conclusion: Chi-City Man lives with his Mama. The sloppy camera work means to hide family photos on the walls and motherly trinkets on the counters. We are to be destracted from this realization by his "fascination" with "Italian tile." I'm no fool. The fridge so carefully filled with woman-with-child-attracting beverages was in fact stocked by a woman-with-child. While this particular study has expanded the boundaries of Mack Theory, I believe we are hearing from nothing more than a Chi-City Boy.


devan said...

why did this blog die right have you start posting, huh newman?


Devan, your comment is Palin-esque in it's mangling of English syntax.

Matt, great post. I don't know, however, how my admittedly paranoid conspiracy theorizing is any more baseless or far-fetched than your representation of Chi-City as the "envy of Indra Nooyi." Chi City was, as you yourself confessed, alarmingly surprised by a readily available brand of wastebin. I think someone else is clearly pulling the reins here.

But Mom? Here, you have gone too far. In my next post, I will both refute your claim, and give voice to a radical theory that will send shockwaves to the very foundations of the blogosphere.

devan said...

*started, sassy-pants.

and where's my ode to chris buckley?

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