Evaluate the Mack: Kidz Edition

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I realize that the following video has been making the rounds in various William & Mary circles, which is precisely why I think it deserves discussion in this particular forum:

Thus far, it seems to me like most of the Tribal conversation has revolved primarily around two positions:

1. The predictable, aggrieved feminist approach, whose proponents are somehow convinced that a 9-year old represents a particularly insidious next-gen, 21st century form of patriarchy, OR

2. A more reasonable "who really gives a shit, but this is still incredibly bizarre" response, to which I am decidedly more sympathetic.

I would probably respond to position 1 with something resembling position 2, but with an important omission, namely its preliminary rhetorical question. I would do so because, to put it bluntly, "I give a shit." In fact, I give a mammoth shit. And the obvious reason: this kid's mack is clearly off the charts. I find myself not only compelled to listen to Alec's advice, but to run to my nearest bookseller and purchase every copy of this book in stock. I challenge any woman who objects to his comparison of the fairer sex to "cars that need a lot of oil" to spend ten minutes alone in a room with this kid. I think we both know what would happen.

Let's look more closely at his specific advice:

• "When you want to get a girl's attention, you don't want to be flapping your arms like a crazy mad man."
  
• "...what could happen is that you could keep saying words and it would scare the girl."
  
• "If she says hi back, you're off to a good start."
  
• "Don't give her gifts unless its a special occasion, like a school dance or something."
  

Move over, Mystery. There's no need for complex lexicons of acronyms, or half-assed "magic tricks" to win a lady's heart. Here are four noble truths: Don't flap your arms around, don't talk too much, make sure she says "hi," and give gifts only occasionally. Perhaps it's this elegant simplicity that I've been neglecting my whole life. Maybe the mack isn't nearly as complicated as we've often envisaged on this site. Would Alec need a fridge-full of beverages for any occasion like our friend Chi-City? Clearly not - limb stasis, reticence, casual greetings, and bi-semesterly chocolates. Boom.

Whatever the potentially patriarchal or heteronormative implications of this particular 9-year old's musings (do people still use the word "heteronormative" seriously?), I believe that children, including Alec, are undeniably our future. And if I'm right, then the future of the mack is very promising indeed.

A Letter to the Advice Column that (now) is Epic Mail

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Dear Epic Mail,

Here is a mack whose success has forever eluded me: the concert mack. How is it done? How can anyone pull this off? I'm mystified. This weekend, in addition to the aforementioned Steampunk Festival, I will be attending at least two shows in the city. And purely in the interest of providing relevant material for this blog (nothing more, I assure you), I will be macking. Hard. Or more likely I'll be sedulously pounding PBR's in the corner alone, hoping Jay Reatard doesn't kick me in the face. But you never know.

Basically, I need some help. Has anyone here completed a successful concert mack? It seems like everyone's parents met through such a mack back in the 70's. Whatever happened to its efficacy? Or am I merely a marked failure in this regard? How can I achieve a successful rock show mack?

Thanks,

Mackless in New Jersey

"Ze Goggles, Zey Do Nothing"

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By now, I'm sure everyone is familiar with Mystery, star of the VH1 show "The Pickup Artist." This guy's mack is so inexplicably huge that he's made a living off his personal mack brand. Though volumes could be written about the details of the Mystery Method, I just want to explore one aspect --







Does anyone see the common thread here? That's right -- it's HUGE FUCKING GOGGLES. Dude has a goggle mack. Mystery has used this trick for a while, but if season 2 is any indication, he's made the goggles a permanent fixture on his head.

When I think of aesthetics that incorporate goggles as a vital centerpiece, one thing comes to mind: Steampunk.

For the uninitiated:
"'Steampunk fashion' has no set guidelines, but tends to synthesize modern styles as filtered through the Victorian era. This may include gowns, corsets, petticoats and bustles; gentlemen's suits with vests, coats and spats; or even military-inspired garments. Often, steampunk outfits will be accented with a mixture technological and period accessories: timepieces, parasols, goggles and ray guns." - Wikipedia Steampunk Entry


To further my point:
"Every cult has its fetish object. For punk, it's the safety pin; for ravers, it's glow sticks and pacifiers; for cyberpunk, it's mirror-shade sunglasses. For steampunk, it's goggles." -- Wired.com

Given Mystery's attachment to goggles and bizarre Victorian clothing --

IS MYSTERY USING THE STEAMPUNK MACK?

Side note: consider this picture:

A swimming pool is the one conceivable place where a goggle mack might actually work. And when he's at a pool, what does Mystery do? He puts on headphones!? The most inappropriate pool electronic accessory? COME ON!

Evaluate the Mack: Chi-City Man Part 4

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Firstly, great debut post, Matt. We need this sort of focused thought on the mack.

Regarding the various theories about Chi-City Man, or CCM as I'll be referring to him from henceforth, I remain dubious.

While I found Mr. Sherrill's postmodern exploration of CCM's mack-as-mack to be brilliant, the convoluted conspiracy theory that followed was pure fiction. A corporate pawn? Viral advertising? Preposterous. I hardly see how CCM could be, in fact, getting money and getting paid for his video. I heartily agree with Newman -- who, as I might remind our readers, has the business credentials to support his claims -- that this theory is ridiculous. Indeed, Newman provides a much more compelling framework: "What was seen as a '7-minute commercial' is in fact a 7-minute slice of a mack based entirely on commerce." To borrow a hipsterrunoff concept, CCM has carved out a personal brand for himself, as well as identifying which products mesh with the personal brands of his would-be lovers -- all to achieve an efficient mack.

As these conspiracy theories appear, however, it becomes clear that CCM has some serious explaining to do. Newman is the first to bring up the central mystery of his video: Why does he cover the camera lens when walking around the house? What does CCM have to hide? Unlocking this secret will reveal the true nature of his mack.

While I've supported Newman to this point, his assertion that the fridge must belong to a mother-with-child is untenable. No responsible mother with kids would brazenly store alcoholic beverages throughout -- especially the delicious juice-mimicking ones. In addition, the alarming lack of food should make this argument suspicious. Most importantly, NO fridge in a household with kids stays that tidy and stocked. It's simply not possible. This fact alone should be enough to metaphorically defenestrate the mother theory with much force.

But clearly CCM doesn't want us to see his house. I can think of only two possible explanations:

1) CCM is actually married, and both he and his wife have boring corporate jobs. Their house is filled with potpourri and kitschy junk that has accumulated over the years. CCM's only refuge is his PS3. This leads us to the alarming realization that CCM actually has NO MACK, because he is married. He attempts to escape his suburban midlife ennui by making ridiculous claims as to his prowess with women via YouTube, the haven for idiots who would be impressed by just such a video.

2) OR, perhaps CCM is actually sixteen years old, and is house-sitting for family friends. He is stoned out of his mind (thus the pizza), and spends all afternoon clearing out their fridge, pulling out all their fancy drinks, and filming a video.


That being said, I'm open to alternative theories.

Evaluate the Mack: Chi-City Man Part 3

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I would like to begin by commending Mr. Sherrill on his keen insight into Chi-City Man's use of the Mack Mack, and thanking Mr. Beers for the introduction of this dialogue. I will agree that while Chi-City Man poses in the guise of an educator, his mack could be of a hugeness to overtake this "instructional video." For a later "Evaluate the Mack," indeed the case study in the Mack Mack, I would propose what could be known as the Mystery mack. Where, by asserting oneself as the keeper of all macks, one announces to the opposite sex "I will mack so hard, with such efficiency, your resistance is folly." In this way a Mack in the sense of the Beverage Mack is not even required. Every facet of your being becomes a mack. Your tattoo? Mack. Your billowy pirate shirt? Mack. The binoculars hanging around your neck? Yes. Mack. However, if Chi-City Man merits a singular "Evaluate the Mack," surely Mystery deserves, at minimum, equal consideration.

While the evaluation of C-CM's mack was sound, I found myself confused by Sherrill's reactionist, baseless claims of "corporate advertising" and possible monetary compensation for Chi-City Man's work. This claim is predicated on the notion that somehow Chi-City Man, who put us on to the whip game, was able to coordinate an international effort with the marketing departments of, at the very least, PepsiCo, The Coca-Cola Company, Diageo plc, Triarc Companies and Arizona Beverage. While I believe Chi-City Man to be honest in his intent to both "Get Money" and "Get Paid", are we to believe this herculean effort was accomplished by a man so easily impressed by a trash can available at Target? That, in addition to the Beverage Mack, Chi-City Man possesses some manner of Beverage Advertising Conglomerate Mack? If so, I will drop my vagina panties all over the place.

Mr. Sherrill, in his whimsical if not entirely misguided analysis, misrepresents the brand-laden nature Chi-City Man's mack. What was seen as a "7-minute commercial" is in fact a 7-minute slice of a mack based entirely on commerce. I submit to you, the Diversified Brand Portfolio Mack. Advertisers predicate their work on a foundation in three parts. Segment. Target. Position. To use our current case, Chi-City Man identifies several Segments of the beverage drinking populace. The Mature Chick Over 30 Who Still Drinks Juice. Becky, the Suburban Chick. The Hood Chick. The Holistic, Vegetarian, I Don't Eat Meat, I'm Real Earthy type fucking Erikah Badu Chick. Each of the Brands in Chi-City Man's refrigerator reflects a decision by the above companies to Target these Segments, and Position themselves in the market accordingly. While I do not believe C-CM to have taken any money from corporations, he appears to have been taking extensive notes. By acquiring and arranging all of these brands by target, Chi-City Man is his own brand conglomerate, whose diversified offerings ring the "Booty Register" on a consistent basis. While not having coordinated a formal contract with the above beverage giants, he has built a portfolio of beverages that would be the envy of Indra Nooyi herself.

But I remain vexed, and am anxious to present this final curiosity. While C-CM presents this refridgerator as the source of his mack, where is the stronger alcohol, so crucial to Macks such as the Frat Party Mack, and the Live-Band Karaoke Mack? Why is the lense covered when we move from kitchen to gaming area? What is on the walls that would be so tragic to be shown on camera? How can he so acurately know the facets and moods of the woman-with-child beverage drinker? I can come only to the following conclusion: Chi-City Man lives with his Mama. The sloppy camera work means to hide family photos on the walls and motherly trinkets on the counters. We are to be destracted from this realization by his "fascination" with "Italian tile." I'm no fool. The fridge so carefully filled with woman-with-child-attracting beverages was in fact stocked by a woman-with-child. While this particular study has expanded the boundaries of Mack Theory, I believe we are hearing from nothing more than a Chi-City Boy.

Chi-City Man, the Art of the Mack, and the Semiotics of Advertisement: Some Thoughts

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First off, let me thank Andy for taking the general discourse of this blog in a very welcome direction. And what better place to begin than a discussion of Chi-City Man? Here are some musings, inspired by repeated viewings.

I find it curious that this video is not really advice on how to have a great mack, as much as it is an advertisement of Chi-City Man's own mack. In other words, the video in which he purports to give macking advice, is a mack in itself. One might call it the "mack" mack. The macking strategies he promulgates are self-evidently preposterous. A fridge full of drinks, "all the way to the back," as, "this ain't no front shit," is much more likely to inspire raised eyebrows and confusion than a rough and tumble sex rumpus. Chi-City Man is no fool. He is well aware of this absurdity, just as he realizes the lunacy of promoting his "Italian floor tiles" and "Egyptian" wastebin (I mean, are we really to believe that he's never seen a "chrome" trashcan?). The point here is to demonstrate confidence. If, in a video ostensibly directed towards fellow males, he displays this degree of aplomb, "you can only imagine," he implicitly coos to the theoretical woman viewer, "how sure I am of my sexual and romantic abilities." The weaknesses of the mack are transformed into strengths, and the mack scores. He wins additional points by convincing knuckleheads into actually practicing his beverage mack, thereby decreasing competition. Brilliance.

It is fitting that the video takes the essential generic form of the advertisement, as Chi-City Man, as interested in self-promotion as he is, also seems dedicated to the art of shameless product placement. The video is an endorsement for the entire beverage industry as a whole. The various "types" of women he alludes to, after all, come to encompass the entire drinking population of this country. I'm not entirely convinced this isn't a corporate ploy. If it is, it's ingeniously contrived. Note the first products that Chi-City Man demonstrates enthusiasm for: The Italian tiles, and the Egyptian wastebin. These products are clearly desirable for their foreign pedigree. He eschews name-brands for the mark of foreign, international distinction. Egypt is not, to my knowledge, famous for their trashcans, nor Italy for floor tiles. In this sense it could just as easily have been a Swedish blender or a Hungarian toaster oven. Chi-City Man, it would seem, is a man of cosmopolitan sensibilities, and that's all that matters. But no, therein lies the clever ruse. He proceeds to open his fridge, and barrage his viewers with product names. It is not a cherry cola, but a cherry coke. Not a fruit juce or tea, but Kool-Aid and Snapple. But we viewers have already become convinced of the fact that Chi-City Man is not some mindless consumer, taken in and bamboozled by brand-names and corporate advertising. Therefore, we don't object to the shameless promotion nearly as much as we should. And at that point, we've been had. What is the last piece of advice Chi-City Man gives us? In a cruel irony, he exhorts us to "get money" and "get paid." Guess what? He just did. Not only has Chi-City Man won, both romantically and monetarily, but some sinister beverage conglomerate has also profited. The only losers are male viewers, who cannot profit by his advice, aren't interested in sleeping with him, and have just been hoodwinked into watching a 7-minute commercial.

Evaluate the Mack: Chi-City Man Part 2

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This is part two of the first installment of the "Evaluate the Mack" series.

I realized that I just had so much more to say about the subject of our last post.

First, his name is Chi-City Man, and apparently he invented ghost-riding the whip -- or he at least claims to have introduced it to us. Clearly, he is to be trusted.

Nuance of Chi-City Man's mack that I missed on my first pass:
- The Italian tile mack. wtf?
- His chrome garbage can mack. Who has a garbage can from Egypt? Seriously. Girls can see themselves in it. That's chrome, baby. Egyptian chrome.
- His larger "mack" philosophy revealed: "If [my friend] could just do small things to his shit, like his kitchen and his bathroom, he'll have women everywhere droppin' panties vaginas." So, Chi-City Man, I'll make sure to do small things to my shit.
- A bizarre inconsistency: he proudly displays two bottles of spray-butter and some barbecue sauce... but what food can he even put it on? Having seen his fridge, I have to assume that he puts a lot of BBQ sauce on oreos and frozen pizza.
- Judging from his elaborate plans for keeping kids preoccupied, he's definitely a veteran of the "mom" mack


Clearly his mack is huge -- otherwise I don't see why he would go to such pains to keep his fridge so meticulously stocked. So I suppose there's something to be learned here.

Evaluate the Mack: Chi-City Man

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I'd like to kick off a new Epic Mail series: "Evaluate the Mack." Since I believe we've hit a brief intellectual wall with the concept of sweetness, I figured we could introduce a new series for some variety. This is an extension of Dave's previous exploration of macking. I eschewed the series' initially proposed title, "Macks of the World," since I don't want to exclude any analysis of domestic or hypothetical macks. For those readers who are unfamiliar with the term "macking," I think that "hitting on" will serve as a reasonable short-term substitute. But I humbly request that one of our authors writes a piece that lays down the basics of "the mack."

So, let's move on to our first case study:


Some possible names for this mack: the beverage mack, the drink mack, the fridge mack, or the "prepared" mack. I think that "the beverage mack" is most apt, since it clearly describes a drink-centered mack while emphasising variety. Since this mack is hypothetical (rather than field-tested in the video) we can only speculate as to its efficacy.

Despite the flashy display of drinks, our subject -- let's call him Canard -- hints at the true foundation of his mack: comfort. Clearly, this comfort mack is a solid choice. It's often overlooked, but let's not forget the glowing endorsement of mater pickup artist Mystery. So Canard has bet his money that an expansive drink selection will put women at ease, thus enhancing his potential to woo them. Solid, Canard, solid.

Did anyone else find it bizarre, though, that only TWO of the drinks in his collection were alcoholic? Can you achieve as efficient a mack with cherry coke as you can with an alcoholic drink? Can you trust a man who chooses his drink without any consideration for taste, but only for political gain? Won't women just see his fridge and say, "What kind of a grown man has a fridge full of drinks, and clearly no room for food aside from a handful of frozen pizzas?"

Thus, I must conclude that the fundamentals of this mack are strong, but it is poorly executed.

Yalls' opinions?

A Son With What You Pound... several, actually

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Wilt Chamberlain may be known as one of the most prolific sexual beings in recent history, reportedly sleeping with over 20,000 women (1.14 women a day for 48 years), but he's got nothing on this man:

In a recent population study, some scientists found that an inordinate amount of males in Asia (in what amounts to the geographical area of the former Mongol Empire) share the same genetic mutation of their Y chromosome. Mutations of the Y Chromosome allow scientists to track blood lines because they are one of the only parts of the male DNA that can be passed unchanged across generations. The study found that 0.5% of the world's population, some 16 million males, share a genetic mutation that can be traced back to the time of Genghis Kahn; in other words, Genghis Kahn has over 16 million male descendants! Sorry, Abraham, but you only have 13.2 million descendants as of 2007.

If you have the balls to ask yourself, "Is this sweet?" just take a look at that picture and say, "That dude had the hugest mack of all time." Who knows if he slept with as many women as Wilt Chamberlain. A major reason Kahn will always have more sons than Chamberlain is because he passed on his great mack to his sons and grandsons. His grandson, Kubla Khan got mad stately pleasure-dome.

(Thanks to Radiolab, National Geographic, and Samuel Taylor Coleridge.)