Sail Free or Die Hard: the American Response to Piracy

So the first American-run ship was hijacked by Somali pirates yesterday and instead of allowing the pirates to run rough-shod over them and ransom the ship and its cargo, the American crew managed to disable the ship, forcing the pirates to flee with only one hostage: the ship's selfless captain.

Now I know a few months ago we were all asking ourselves, "Are these pirates sweet?" and many of us concluded that "Yes, yes they are." However, a new question has arisen in response to this new pirate attack on the American vessel: are our guys sweeter?

In short, I believe the superior sweetness of our guys is undeniable. Not only did our guys kick the pirates off of the ship without the use of any firearms, but they also managed to live out every American action movie ever made, reinforcing our national worship of the take charge-no bull shit American hero who is simultaneously a selfless martyr willing to sacrifice for his fellow man.

Let's consider the crew's decision to disable the ship. Did anyone else immediately think of Harrison Ford in Air Force One? Now it's true we could think of the passengers of Flight 93 but I'm trying to write a light-hearted piece and I'm not interested in getting bogged down in that. Back to American cinema. Imagine being a crew member. You have no weapons and the Somalis have boarded your ship. You look to your shipmate and say, "They're not taking our ship." You hatch a plan with those on board to sabotage the ship. I would be very surprised if at least one crew member didn't think to him or herself that when they had successfully foiled the pirates' plans and were about to throw them off the ship that he or she would take advantage of this unbelievably sweet moment and say to the pirate "Get off my ship!!!" I'm sure many of the crewmembers thought that it was their responsibility as representatives of the US of A to do what sailors of other nations did not have the courage to do... to say "No" to the piracy and kick some ass.

While the crew's plan worked, the captain of the ship was unable to save himself and, at least from what I heard on NPR this morning, agreed to go with the pirates as a hostage to secure the well-being of his men. There's almost too many examples of this to mention but because of the title of my post I have to bring up the most recent Die Hard. The final scene in this ridiculous action movie perfectly captures the spirit of sacrifice we demand from our uniquely American heroes. Bruce Willis is being held hostage by the villain who is standing directly behind him with a gun to Willis' head. Willis' character pulls his partner's gun (who is standing in front of the pair) to his shoulder, effectively shooting the bad guy standing behind him by allowing the bullet to first pass through his body. I'm not sure there's been a sweeter scene in an action movie in a long, long time.

I'm not interested in dissecting WHY we have created this particular idea of what it means to be an American hero; I'm merely pointing out that this recent pirate incident is a particularly sweet example of it being acted out in real life. My thoughts obviously go out to the captain who, as of now, is still on board the small vessel with the pirates. The tiny boat is being closely followed by an American destroyer but they are unable to really take any action at this point. Now there's another distinctly American image: the biggest and best technology a country can build rendered impotent by a few desperate criminals on a speed boat.

BREAKING: Blago!

Today the blogosphere (Blagosphere?) is abuzz over the hilariously corrupt antics of Illinois Governor Rod R. Blagojevich. Black nerd blogger Ta-Nehisi Coates at the Atlantic sums it up in terms we Epic Mailers can understand:

"Incredible. Blagojevich was already under investigation. And then he tries to sell Obama's Senate seat? I don't think I've ever seen anything like this. This dude tried to auction the Senate seat of the President-Elect of the United States. Wow. They haven't even invented a machine that can calculate the Fail Factor here. I do believe we have gone to Interstellar Fail. Intergalactic, perhaps."

If possible, I'd like to see Matt "Chicago Machine Politics" Newman give us an inside look at the insanity brewing in Al Capone's abode, but before then, I just want to be the millionth person to point out what an enormous bullet Obama has dodged here. Honestly, the whole process of appointing vacant Senate seats is shady as hell, and it's not uncommon to find pretty blatant cases of nepotism and back-stratching. It wouldn't have been odd for Obama's team to have at least considered giving Blagojevich or his wife an appointment to some post in return for the Senate appointment they wanted. Luckilly, they're much smarter than that, and word on the street is that total baller and personal hero of mine Rahm Emmanuel is the one who blew the whistle on Blagojevich. But before doing so, he made sure that federal investigators have Blago (who's every third word is "fuck") on tape calling Obama a "motherfucker" and saying "They're not willing to give me anything... Fuck Obama".

Said Blagojevich as he was arrested at his home this morning: "The bitch set me up!"

Awkwarrrrd

And is this just me, or is Michelle Obama's right nipple showing?

Oh well, nothing could be worse than this picture. Reagan looks like he's got a raging hard-on and Rosalynn Carter either wants to kill herself or Nancy Reagan for wearing that coat:


Why does the press have to make this into a photo op? It's like losing your house, your wife and your job, and then having to smile and say cheese with the guy who's taking all three.

**UPDATE (3:19 PM): Mrs. Carter is kinda hot. In a super matronly sorta way. Who knew?

Epic Throng

The Grant Park Rally was incredible. Up until the election was called (my favorite moment of the night), it amounted to a 100,000 person CNN watching party. We recited the Pledge of Allegiance and sang the Star Spangled Banner (after the woman performing on stage sang a couple wrong words). I just remember feeling invisibly connected to the thousands of strangers surrounding me. Sleeper pick for great moment of the night, the streets of the Loop after the speech. Masses of people in the middle of Michigan Avenue, hugging, blowing trumpets, selling bejeweled Obama faces on oversized T-shirts. A co-worker of mine summed the night up nicely, "I was prepared to fully piss myself in the middle of the crowd, and I think people around me would have been pretty cool about it."

The Jeebus Effect

What the hell am I supposed to take from this poll? Christ hates the idea of gay marriage in California? LOVES gay marriage? Is just really psyched about seeing Sean Penn in Milk?

ANSWER ME O LORD

Hey Joe

At the end of the debate last night, David bet me a whole beer (!) that the most talked about moment of the debate would be when McCain referred to Obama as "Senator Government". By now, I think we can safely conclude that David is dead wrong, and dangerous for our country, because I've yet to read an article that even mentioned that moment.

What WAS the highlight of the debate, it turns out, was Joe Wurzelbacher (Alias: Joe the Plumber). So, I thought I'd post a video of Obama's actual conversation with him earlier this week, and then a few thoughts about what he means for our "democracy".

The conclusion you come to after watching this video is that you simply cannot win over League of Moron voters with substance. Joe the Plumber is obviously a card carrying member (as well as a hardcore conservative), which is why it is so infuriating to have him thrust into the media spotlight now as the spokesperson of the undecided middle class.

That being said, Obama gave just about the best pitch he could. He sat and talked with JtP for a good 15 minutes, and he tried to give a super-nuanced argument in favor of a progressive tax system. But the guy had already been won over by Steve Forbes, Mike Huckabee, or some other jackass, meaning a 'flat tax' is the only thing he will ever understand/support. Near the end of this discussion, Obama happens to use the phrase "spreading the wealth" in passing. McCain advisers pick up on it, decide to brand it as 'class warfare' (for the love of God someone tell me how shifting a tax bracket back to 39% after being 36% for eight years is fucking class warfare), and that's the only reason why we're talking about Joe today.

What's particularly infuriating is that the lengthy, substantive back and forth that BO and Joe had is the exact type of dialogue that McCain used to be famous for at his 'town halls.' McCain hated it when people took quotes from those strikingly honest discussions out of context, and then he goes and does that in the absolute worst way.

But seriously, check out what Obama said to this guy. It's really well done. Then check out Joe's response to the media:

"I asked the question, but I still got a tap dance ... almost as good as Sammy Davis Junior."

Then, kill yourself.

L1V3B10G: THE LAST DEBATE

Edgar Keats (10:36 PM): I did shit the bed. Sorry.

Coaltrain (10:23 PM): Obama just threw the X-box playing crowd under the bus. Good thing he's got ads out in their games to win them back:


Edgar Keats (10:20 PM): In regards to McCain's education policy: Fuck you.

Coaltrain (10:06 PM): Brandon, you're really shitting the bed here. I blame you entirely for the state of this liveblog.

Speaking of gaffes, McCain just got "mixed up" and called Obama "Senator Government". I don't want to think about the number of times I will have to hear again from the National Review, et al.

Edgar Keats (10:04 PM): Thanks, John McGAFFE.

Honestly, I haven't been paying attention since we stopped talking about Bill Ayers.

Coaltrain (9:59 PM): McCain: I don't have a healthcare plan, and I've got the scars to prove it.

Coaltrain (9:42 PM): OK, Obama killed it w/ his response on the Ayers. I'm in a slightly better mood, even if this fucking CNN focus group from Ohio isn't.

Coaltrain (9:28 PM): Fuck. I think Obama might have taken that whole 'he won in the last debate because he was cool/even-tempered' thing too much to heart. He's got that sleepy look, and McCain is getting in a lot of good lines.

Edgar Keats: (9:20 PM):

Coaltrain (9:17 PM): McCain really needs to stop referring to the Great Depression like he was an active participant. And OMG HE'S BRINGING UP THAT PLANETARIAN PROJECTOR AGAIN (Dave, our resident AV nerd, corrects McCain by calling it an "LED Projector")

Edgar Keats (9:12 PM): Dave's Response: "WHO THE FUCK IS JOE THE PLUMBER?!?!?!?!? FUCK Joe the Plumber."

Coaltrain (9:09 PM): First 'GOT EM' award of the night: Obama's line that "McCain looks like he's been watching McCain's attack ads".

Coaltrain (9:03 PM): OK, neither candidate has even started talking and the lines are moving on CNN's insta-response-poll thingy. The men in particular seem to be getting jumpy when they hear Bob Shaeffer.

Live Blogging the Debate

Coaltrain (10:39 PM): Final thoughts:


I can't believe this is the debate where the gloves were supposed to come off. That was fairly boring, but that's probably a good thing for Obama. I suspect after the media made such a big deal about McCain going negative, his advisers decided he couldn't mention Bill Ayers or Rev. Wright.

As for performance, McCain seemed pretty awkward overall, and I thought Obama was damn near perfect. But what do I know -- I'd probably take the guy over Jesus.

Edgar Keats (10:32 PM): Zen? Bringing it all back home.

Coaltrain (10:27 PM): McCain doesn't just thank soldiers for their service, he does it six times.

Coaltrain (10:25 PM): If I had chosen 'petrodollars' as my drinking game buzzword, I'd be shitfaced right now.

Edgar Keats (10:24 PM):
-Hey man, what are you doing?
-Putin.

Coaltrain (10:21 PM): This whole 'whether or not to attack Pakistan' issue is really bizarre. McCain and Obama's positions are completely counter-intuitive to what one would expect. And it's all b/c of an answer Obama gave at a debate back in August 2007 when he speculated about an extremely specific situation with "actionable intelligence about bin Ladin" where the Pakistani military was refusing to act. But b/c Obama has to prove he can be strong on defense, and b/c McCain has to prove Obama is naive, they are unable to change their positions.

Edgar Keats (10:17 PM): Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran. Thank you, Obama, thank you.

Coaltrain (10:08 PM): I love hanging out with Brandon's parents b/c they make the same horribly offensive jokes that we do. For example, Brandon's dad's take on the McCain Doctrine:

"KILL THE GOOKS!"

Coaltrain (9:59 PM): McCain tried a joke that fell way flat. And now he's being a total peacemonger on foreign policy.

Edgar Keats (9:52 PM): Is it wrong that I'm only paying attention to the debate to make jokes to my family and Luke?

Coaltrain (9:45 PM): OMG this is such a snoozefest. When is McCain gonna say Obama wants Bill Ayers to be his economic adviser? And when is Tom Brokaw going to reprise his role on SNL?



Coaltrain (9:38 PM): Devan, that mooning was in response to your comment.

Edgar Keats (9:35 PM): My brother's input:



Coaltrain (9:30 PM): Anyone watching CNN w/ that insta-response graph thing? Barry is killin' it round 90% approval every time he talks, while McCain's numbers can't get any higher than his arms (GOT EM!)

Edgar Keats (9:21 PM): YES! Got 'em!

The First Ironic, Hipster, Millenial Voting Campaign

The name: BotherVoting.com

This is so much better than Vote Or Die






Let's all go vote and then watch Choke.

G-Day (Graph Day)

For any Democrat who still thinks picking Obama was a mistake:

(this taken from FiveThirtyEight.com, where models currently have Obama winning the election 80.5% of the time)


For anyone, anywhere who says McCain's crusade against pork-barrel spending is significant:


For anyone who still thinks Palin poses a threat to Obama:


For Brandon, whose pain I feel:



Sigh.

All I can say is, If I find out Annie Clark has married Stifler or something, I will fucking kill someone.

I'm more of a fan of the Republican Party's Early Work

If McCain wants to score some points with the college-age kids, he needs to go underground to a more obscure Republican figure. I'm thinking Rutherford B. Hayes. He could re-work Hayes' famous quote from his 1864 congressional campaign (while Hayes was in the midst of the mildly more important Shenandoah Campaign): "I have other business just now. Any man who would leave the army at this time to electioneer for Congress ought to be scalped" to something about suspending his campaign to help the economy.

Or something like that.

Walnuts?

Along with FiveThirtyEight.com, one of my big finds during this campaign has been Wonkette. It's like the Gawker of the politics world, and it's pretty consistently hysterical. Even the people who comment seem to be exceptionally funny (and intelligent), which I didn't think was allowed for people who comment on internet sites.

Anyways, there has been this one ongoing joke on Wonkette which I've really never been sure about. It started back during the primary days, all based on this video, which might be more creepy than humorous.



If you go to their site, they literally will refer to McCain as walnuts in almost every post. I don't think I'm for it. What do YOU think?

Country First

In case you haven't yet heard, apparently everything we thought we knew about elections has gone out the window.

My initial reaction: Can a candidate actually do this? This campaign has been going on 2 years and he suspends it 6 weeks before the elections? Before a debate about 100 million are estimated to watch? How can this possibly work in McCain's favor?

My more sober, depressing reaction: This is kind of brilliant, and I totally understand why McCain did it.

Here's my interpretation, which may or may not be completely off base:

The Palin pick succeeded in stealing Obama's momentum and getting him off message for about three weeks; however, that period is clearly over, and McCain and co. probably realize that they pushed it too far (the media's revolt during Palin's world leader speed-dating at the UN seems like it was the tipping point). Meanwhile, Obama has convinced the electorate (by about a 15 point margin) that he is more trustworthy on economic issues. McCain's biggest attempt to undermine that (the ads re: Obama connections Freddie Mac) backfired massively when the media published Rick Davis' (much more significant) ties w/ the firm, which McCain can't possibly discuss w/o losing credibility.

So, much like w/ the VP pick, McCain's campaign sat down and decided that if they continued on the current trajectory, they would almost certainly lose. McCain is likely to get hammered in the debate Friday, both by Obama and the moderator. By suspending the campaign, they get McCain out of the debate until he is more prepared and the emotion over the economic crisis has died down, and they potentially can gain back the moral high ground by making Obama's campaigning and ad spending (which McCain can't possibly compete w/) seem inappropriate.

Obama's no doubt bewildered about how to proceed, though he's already issued one great line, essentially telling McCain, "We both have planes. We can get between Mississippi and DC pretty easily."

If I was Axelrod/Plouffe, I'd have Obama say this too:

"Lincoln ran two campaigns during the Civil War and never needed to take a time out."

Linked In

We're back, baby!

Al Franken still has it

Hey Hank, help a brother out!

Can a Biden get some love?

So while I was on the floor of the Pepsi Center in August, I was struck by the rock star reception being received by none other than the 36 year Senior Senator from Delaware. I mean, I expected craziness over Michelle, Hillary and Bill, but the frenzy over Biden seemed just as big -- if not more so. I remember thinking that ol' Joe was injecting a heck of a lot of energy for a candidate who was considered the safe/boring/experience VP pick.

::Sigh::

That was a long time ago.

Now the only time Biden is mentioned is in a piece like this one from today's New York Times. Basically it's a reporter talking about how sweet Joe Biden is, and then trying to explain why absolutely no one in the MSM cares to even mention him. Except, of course, when he says something unbelievably stupid, like this.

So here's the thing, I know he's no Tina Fey/Lenscrafters Model Look Alike, but check out some of the barnburners he's been throwin' down recently. Dude is absolutely killin' it right now.

And one to grow on....

He may have killed Kennedy, but Fidel Castro is kind of sweet.

Palin/McCain Administration

I think John McCain is just playing in to America's love of Tina Fey.

Honestly, how is she so popular? I get that she is attractive. I get it. Why does teh hawtness= awesome Vice-President?

I'd say if they won, I'd move to Canada. But I was in Canada last week, and that place is fucking weird.

That's it.

I officially retract any defense I've ever made for McCain. The guy is dumb.

Not knowing who the president of Spain is? Not knowing who the president of Spain is before an interview with the Spanish press?

And what's really scary is that when he doesn't know who a leader is, his first inclination is: "gotta be the same as Castro and Chavez".