Posts
Showing posts with label Blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blog. Show all posts
1.12.2009
1.07.2009
Self-Aware Metablogging: A Content Analysis of the "Epic Touch"
As our blog gains both volume and tenacity, I've found myself wondering if our writing styles have begun to bleed into each other. Convinced that, collectively, we use words like "ridiculous" and "inexplicably" in a far higher proportion than the average population, I set out to do a content analysis of all the adjectives and adverbs that we've used so far on the entire blog. Needless to say, this task proved too gargantuan, and was scrapped in its infancy. The concept remained in my head, however. And so, on a particularly slow day at work, I decided to narrow my search to adverbs, which, while perhaps less interesting than adjectives, were much easier to find and catalog (mostly thanks to a document search of "ly"). Even with a technological crutch, compiling this list took me an embarrassing amount of time, and might end up yielding very little substance. But I'm going to SHINE ON anyway.
With that, here are the most commonly used adverbs on our entire blog archives, in descending order (each must have had at least five mentions to make the cut). It's worth noting that I disqualified "only" and "really" from this list.
25 Totally
22 Actually
15 Probably
12 Entirely
11 Simply
8 Seriously
8 Certainly
7 Ultimately
7 Truly
7 Rarely
7 Possibly
7 Decidedly
7 Clearly
7 Additionally
7 Absolutely
6 Surely
6 Particularly
6 Officially
6 Merely
6 Literally
6 Incredibly
6 Importantly
6 Especially
5 Undeniably
5 Recently
5 Inexplicably
5 Apparently
Aside from confirming my suspicion that we have a prodigious vocabulary, what does this list tell us about ourselves? First, as if it comes as any surprise, we use "totally" a lot. It's unclear how many times these "totally"s were followed by "sweet"s, but we'll disregard that for our current analysis. The word "totally," however, fits into a bigger trend in this list of adverbs. I've bolded the words that fit together into a poignant conceptual theme. This revised list gives us a clearer picture of what I consider the "Epic Touch." All of the bolded words, which comprise the majority of this list, emphasize the veracity, totality, and indisputability of things. We at Epic Mail concern ourselves only with the most epic of matters. And, it seems, we often assert facts as well as opinions with emphatic adverbs that might even flirt with hyperbole. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Clearly, we're definitively and surely the most undeniably total and ultimate blog of all time.
And just for fun, here's some of the more ridiculous, if less often used, adverbs that emerged in this research:
ashamedly
This is but a brief gloss, so I'm looking forward to any secondary analysis that our mailers can provide.
1.05.2009
Epic 10 of 2008: Hot Eatz, Cool Treatz Edition
See more posts in the "Epic 10" Series
These extra five days have put things into perspective.
It wasn't until I was wasted, cold, and sex crazed in New York City on December 31st, listening to a terrible group rendition of "Auld Lang Syne," that I could even really begin to comprehend that the year was over.
2008 was pretty solid in Eatzville, and here's a few of the reasons why:
Epic Album: 808's and Heartbreak
As the de facto "music guy" on the blog (Only because I haven't posted about anything else, and I've been silent in every major debate on macks and sweetness, despite my intense interest in the subject) I may as well start with this.
First off, stay with me. I'm aware that some Mailers may view Kanye West as "less than Epic," or the fated, "not Epic enough." He's controversial on so many levels. However, if you look at his 808's and Heartbreak from a mainstream American point of view (something that we should all still be concerned with) what you see is rather surprising.
West could have shit out the same symphonic rap for another 4 years if he wanted, he would sell millions, be set for life, and all would be good. However, the dude instead made 808's; a strange, personal, and low-key album of electronic music.
Gone are the lyrically urban hip-hop references and rapping, 808's lines now focus only on emotions. He made subtle and elaborate beats that, like the best electro, borrowed from genres of music that are less than expected. He decided to challenge himself, and his listeners, a rare quality in today's mainstream musical landscape.
Just listen to the immense detail. Check the robotic vocals (autotune and treated vox didn't originate with T Pain, mind you) of "Love Lockdown," combined with legit tribal drumming and imagery. Dig the synthesizers on "Paranoid" that just scream "Bizarre Love Triangle," and British dance music in 1987. Get lost in "RoboCop's" strange mechanical symphony of glockenspiels and sirens. Marvel at the fey new-wave dance keyboards that close out the sad "Coldest Winter," and listen to the bizarre as fuck fusion of My Bloody Valentine-esque guitars, vocal distortion, and r&b on "Street Lights." WAIT, THERE'S MY BLOODY VALENTINE GUITARS ON A KANYE WEST SONG?!!!
If you want a reason why we're seeing a change in the narrative of race in America, that isn't the Obama story, look no further than this.
A world famous rapper is borrowing elements of white avante garde rock music and European IDM, and presenting it in a package that people as diverse as 9 year old inner city girls to non-ironic upper class college dudes can enjoy and relate to simultaneously.
Epic Read: The Rum Diary
This, Hunter S. Thompson's first novel from the early 1960s, wasn't published until 1998. This fact rocks my fucking mind. A modern tragedy!
The Rum Diary is the story of a young American man from Kansas who poses as an accomplished journalist in order to work at a newspaper in the wild, lawless city of San Juan.
Looking for a crazy time so that he may live and feel free, the main character is torn between this and his sense of values and general respect for people. Accordingly, the city of San Juan in the late 1950s serves as a metaphor for the character's own personal dilemma; filled with insane, angry natives the city is becoming further tempered by American industry and tourism.
It's got sweet news room scenes, shady government dealings, sex, and lots of steak eating and alcohol.
Not only is this book sweet as shit (and the catalyst for my recent intense interest in novels regarding desperate young men going on wild sprees of insanity and abandon) but it is the first thing I've ever read where I feel that nearly all of the main character's decisions and actions are the things that I would do as well if I were him. A pleasantly surprising read from a fat writer that wore fishing vests a lot.
Epic Meals: McDonald's Dollar Menu
So unlike most people, who loved McDonald's as children and later realized how gross it was, I am kind of the opposite. I used to think it was gross, now I think it's awesome. Here's why:
2008 will be the year where I was more of a bum than ever before. I was unemployed for 75% of it. I realized the college life was quickly becoming a thing of the past and decided to milk it for all it was worth. I've carved my bank account down to fifteen cents before. The days where my glorious mother and father would replenish the coffers always felt like I had just defied incredible odds of poverty. This year, I got really good at being a bum, but still having my cake and eating it too. Honestly, I'd do it again, it was fun as shit.
The only real reason I got in this predicament was because my priorities were skewed; girls, studio time, hosting parties, and, the most expensive; drinking. To my 22 year old mind, all of these hold precedence over having enough food, doing laundry, and gasoline. So needless to say, my meal budget was never stacked.
On top of this, I'm a terrible eater. I forget to do it until I'm very hungry and then I crave instant satisfaction.
But wait, I just blew all my money on "spirit-of-the-moment" shit thinking it would work out like always! Well it did, in the shape of two glorious golden arches.
A dollar double cheeseburger from this franchise empire may not be the best thing in the world. Hell, usually the cheese isn't even really on the patty, the onions are little squares that might actually be Styrofoam, and you have to drop the twenty two cents for a little packet of sauce just to give it all some flavor.
But on those terrible, low bank account evenings at William and Mary, nothing was better than being able to fill up my growling stomach completely, and only for $3.50. Whenever I do have more cash, I'm never trying to go McDonalds, but like a best friend, it's nice to know there's a place out there that's always got your back.
FUN FACT: In 2008, while nearly every other business imaginable posted major losses due to the growing economic recession, McDonald's posted a 7% profit which analysts attributed to the success and popularity of it's dollar menu.
America, fuck yeah.
Epic Mailer: Brandon Martin
Yeah, yeah, so Edgar Keats and I are self promoting quite a bit. But anyway, I think 2008 was the year that Mr. Keats came into his own as a musician and has utterly blown me away with his abilities and unique voice. Drum power, drum power. He's the only dude that can understand what I am trying to say musically and "get it" right off.
He has the attuned sense of dynamics of any great songwriter.
If 2008 was the year shit started to come together, then I hope that 2009 will be the first real year of Lubec, thanks entirely to this great friend. So many sweet songs to be unleashed!!! oheydrbrrr....
Epic Brew: Orkney Skull Splitter
"Eddie, meet your demise," chirped Chris Tracy, his exaggerated beard and smile only making the impending doom more inviting.
He pushed the red capped bottle across the table. The beautiful Scottish sky behind the legit-looking pale skinned warrior was nothing if not inspiring.
"Alley-oop," I said.
We all know the allure of discount beers. That's why nothing was more enticing than the Green Leafe's half off burger night, with half off micro brew dogz. Before long, Chris and I would down three of the these delicious, robust Scottish 8.5% ABV babies and just be sittin' pretty.
Once spake a dude, "Satiny smooth in the mouth, deceptively light, and dangerously drinkable."
Named after a famous Viking Earl known only to his peasants as "the skullsplitter," headaches were never so tasty.
Epic Activity: Motorcycle License
Look at it. Just look at it. Sexy, retro, performance perfection. Granted the above stallion belongs to my father, but this year, I got to drive it.
This year was the beginning of my lifelong motorcycle love affair, as predicted in Daves n' Daveins' 10th grade ContraBand ode, "Motorcycle Eddie." The license was easy enough given that I've been around it all my these years, but to be able to ride the bike on your own, man! It's a whole new way to experience moving.
Riding a motorcycle is like driving a race car high. Naked. You notice things you would have never imagined you could perceive about speed and scenery before.
I'll always look back fondly on the times in the summer when my dad would follow me in the car, nervous that I would wipe out on his prized possession, as I raced around on Ashland country roads, happier than ever. I will somehow get one. Soon.
Epic Hottie: Britta Phillips
I'm not really one for celebrity crushes. They're unattainable, fake, and lack anything real that you find in a normal average joe or jane. But man, Britta fucking Phillips!!! Dream girl. Total bone zone. Pound Puppy. Ewww.
Move over Kim Gordon, you've been replaced by this sweet voiced slo-core vixen of the late Luna and currently in Dean & Britta with husband Dean Wareham of Luna and Galaxie 500.
Wait.....husband?!?! FuCK!!! IT's PICACHU!!! GOD DAMNIT!!! AAHHHH!!!!
Epic Tool: Moleskine Notebooks
Overpriced, douchey, and really pushing the supposed Hemingway connection, these stupid little fuckers somehow won me over.
Since discovering them this year (late in the game), I've since filled up four with lyrics, future band names, notes, and pictures of stupid shit (I found out I can still draw sweet battleship wars like back in the day). It's nice to have a little organization for it all even if it means I drop $16 dollars for what is essentially a pleather bound set of thin notecards.
Epic Sweetness: Somali Pirates
I'm actually a little surprised that this hot topic of the past year wasn't analyzed for it's sweetness at some point on this blog. I mean, what more could you want?
First off, the Somali pirates don't see themselves as pirates, but rather "the coast guard" of Somalia. They see the real pirates as the international fishers that cruise the waters off of the country and those that take advantage of Somalia's general disarray.
So what do these men do? They capture giant Saudi oil tankers and shipping vessels of other countries and hold them and their crews for ransom!
However, here's where it gets interesting, and where these men become more than just sea shanty terrorists.
The pirates have found that as long as they play it safe and courteous, nobody gets hurt, they get around two million dollars a tanker, and everyone is happy.
Most companies that run these massive ships have found that giving in to the pirates demmands and paying them has turned out to be a lot easier than trying to get the ships back by force.
Also, did I mention that the pirates are the most pimpingest dudes on the planet?!?!
In a recent BBC phone interview with the pirates, the BBC found that the Somali men were huge celcebrites in Somalia and living larger than life.
Robyn Hunter writes, "They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars...Piracy in many ways is socially acceptable. They have become fashionable."
It really is like in a movie, Hunter going on to note that the pirates have an elaborate specialized hierarchy within the group such as dudes with the sea faring knowlege, tech guys who operate all the GPS, and ex-militia men who serve as the muscle of the operation.
Additonally, the pirates have become known for their elaborate drug fueled parties, investment within Somalia and even the act of purchasing nearby islands and turning them into their own industrial and financial centers inviting investors and luxury clothing outlets and other properties.
Did I mention that they also treat the hostages like the most esteemed guests? One gang of pirates hired internationl chefs to specialize in the cuisine of each hostages native country!
Is this sweet?
Sweetness isn't even worthy of defining this.
MOST EPIC SHIT: Bears!!!
The names have been changed. But the story remains true.
The fall break hiking trip in the Shenandoah National Park was a great, relaxing, and beautiful time with close friends and a few people to get to know better. I had gorgeous countryside, brilliant red leaves, and a tent shared only with girls. It was great.
With the majority of navigational responsibilities willingly taken up by Dumbass Fucker, the older boyfriend of our hippie acquaintence Batshit Crazy, the rest of the group could simply relax as the duo checked out the map from time to time to make sure things were cool.
Problem was, neither D.F. or B.C. could actually read a map despite their years of hiking experience. Throughout the trip, the rest of us decided to let it slide.
Unfortunately, I had to leave the group early and hike back to my car, along with B.C. Her boyfriend intensely studied his map, surrounded by the hundreds of dollars of camping gear he had obtained. At a stop near a beautiful valley bridge, he determined the ideal exit for us.
"It'll be about a mile back to your car, only about 500 ft. elevation difference, shouldn't take more than an hour," he said knowingly.
"Awesome, I just want to be sure to get back before dark," I said, still firmly entrenched in my go-with-the-flow, solid bro attitude that I had maintained for the entire trip. I did not notice the black clouds of an impending shit storm brewing overhead.
At 4 PM, the girl and I left the group on our one hour journey back to my car, strategically parked in an all-night convenience store lot. With us, we carried a trash bag of all the leftover refuse of the group. A nice thing to do, we thought. Off we went, excited to rest our legs in the car after an entire day of intense mountain hiking.
However, after an hour, we were forced to come to an unfortunate truth. It would not be a mile back to my car, and we were only then at the foot of one of the largest mountains in the area. We were going to have to climb one of the tallest (highest!) mountains in the middle of the night, to get home.
Time went by slowly. We trudged up the side of the mountain, it's steep angle never flatlining. The girl started to fall behind due to exhaustion and the constant burn in our calves. It was nearly night.
"Let me help you," I said, holding gently onto her arm to help her keep going. "If you need to take a break just say so, it's no problem," I reminded her. Sure this sucked, but I was feeling good about keeping my cool.
More hiking.
After a while the girl whipped out her flashlight, an interesting thing that she wore on a headband. My trusty Mag Light had unfortunately died out the night before, leaving us in the complete dark, on the side of a moutain, with one forehead mounted flashlight.
That's when it happened.
Ten feet infront of us, on the thin, rocky path, a tree began to move with a violence usually reserved for bands of disgruntled foresters.
IT WAS A FUCKING BEAR!!!
The next 30 seconds are insane. Somehow, I immmediately pull out my pocket knife and the old Mag Light from my backpack. I'm brandishing both, ready to bash a bear. Then, I start to do the stupidest thing you can do when you run into a predator. I run. Luckily, right as I start to bolt, the girl begins to talk loudly to me.
"So what are you going to do Eddie, when you get home?!?!," she yells.
Suddenly I realize what's up. Don't move, and talk loudly. That apparently makes bears leave.
"I don't know, I'll probably go to sleep," I yell back, realizing that this girl may have just saved my life.
I notice some movement to my right. Through the moonlight about 20 feet into the woods, a much larger bear is moving slowly. I can see the massive curvature of it's slumped back. The leaves smash underneath it's paws.
For the first time since the ordeal started, I have my first real thought.
"This is just like in a horror movie," I think to myself. I can hear the family of bears moving around us as we remain completely still, talking loudly. I feel like I'm being toyed with before the kill.
After about 30 seconds, we can no longer hear any movement. It's just darkness and our breath. For the first time in my entire life, I'm considering the fact that I might soon die.
We start to move again, much more cautiously than before. I'm scared shitless. Then I realize something. We are still carrying the bag of trash from the campsite. What worse thing could you be carrying around bears than rotten fruit and used soup cans with ravioli paste on the inside?!?!
"We gotta get rid of that bag!," I exclaim. "We've got to!"
"No, we can't, that wouldn't be eco-friendly," she says.
By this time, I'm in complete survival mode, the bears could be anywhere. The bro-ish Hot Eatz of before was no more. My anger at being so misdirected in the darkness by this girl's boyfriend suddenly boils to the surface.
"Wait, what?," I ask, in the inflection of someone who just learned that their mother had in fact been an octopus from space who fucked earthmen.
"I mean, it's not natural, like an apple seed could grow here and it wouldn't be native to the area, we can't be responsible for that," she intones matter of factly.
She was so delusional in her own non-profit eco bullshit that she would rather get stupidly mauled to death by bears than plant a fucking apple tree. Kind of ironic really.
"We're throwing it away!" I yell at her. I step up to her menacingly. In the dark, she suddenly notices the fury in my eyes. I tower over her petite body.
I rip the bag out of her hands and hurl it off the side of the mountain. As the bag falls away, I can barely make out the last vestiges of orange sunlight somewhere in the vicinity of Roanoke.
I turn back to her, even more angry than before. She looks at me in the exact same way as in those old commercials where the Native American Indian cries one single tear as he watches the white men build factories and nuclear power plants.
"Let's fucking go," I scream directly at her.
For the next hour we walk in the darkness, terrified to stay silent, so we continue to make conversation, despite our complete hatred of one another.
We fake conversation for the next twenty minutes, expecting any second for another bear to pop out. I have virtually no light except the scant times that I can use a bit of hers. It was the most terrifying hour of my life.
Soon, our conversation wears out due to exhaustion. I decide to sing some songs to fill in the silence and drive away bears. Problem is, I'm so freaked, I can't remember the words to any songs, except, strangely, the show tunes I learned during my vocal lessons.
I serenade the wildlife of the Shenandoah Valley with the likes of "Some Enchanted Evening," and "I Won't Send Roses." Jesus, if it was my last song, couldn't it have been "Teenage Riot" or some Neil Young or something!?! I COULD HAVE DIED SINGING SHOW TUNES!!! FUCKING SHOW TUNES!!!! THANKS 2 K HATE!!!
The sight of the road through a clearing was the most phenomenal feeling in the world. Nearby is our ticket out of the god foresaken place.
The ride home was pure unadulterated silence.
Honorable Mentions: The Big Take Over Magazine, that sweet night with Dave in the soccer field, blazers and oxford shirts, coach's wife
These extra five days have put things into perspective.
It wasn't until I was wasted, cold, and sex crazed in New York City on December 31st, listening to a terrible group rendition of "Auld Lang Syne," that I could even really begin to comprehend that the year was over.
2008 was pretty solid in Eatzville, and here's a few of the reasons why:
Epic Album: 808's and Heartbreak
As the de facto "music guy" on the blog (Only because I haven't posted about anything else, and I've been silent in every major debate on macks and sweetness, despite my intense interest in the subject) I may as well start with this.
First off, stay with me. I'm aware that some Mailers may view Kanye West as "less than Epic," or the fated, "not Epic enough." He's controversial on so many levels. However, if you look at his 808's and Heartbreak from a mainstream American point of view (something that we should all still be concerned with) what you see is rather surprising.
West could have shit out the same symphonic rap for another 4 years if he wanted, he would sell millions, be set for life, and all would be good. However, the dude instead made 808's; a strange, personal, and low-key album of electronic music.
Gone are the lyrically urban hip-hop references and rapping, 808's lines now focus only on emotions. He made subtle and elaborate beats that, like the best electro, borrowed from genres of music that are less than expected. He decided to challenge himself, and his listeners, a rare quality in today's mainstream musical landscape.
Just listen to the immense detail. Check the robotic vocals (autotune and treated vox didn't originate with T Pain, mind you) of "Love Lockdown," combined with legit tribal drumming and imagery. Dig the synthesizers on "Paranoid" that just scream "Bizarre Love Triangle," and British dance music in 1987. Get lost in "RoboCop's" strange mechanical symphony of glockenspiels and sirens. Marvel at the fey new-wave dance keyboards that close out the sad "Coldest Winter," and listen to the bizarre as fuck fusion of My Bloody Valentine-esque guitars, vocal distortion, and r&b on "Street Lights." WAIT, THERE'S MY BLOODY VALENTINE GUITARS ON A KANYE WEST SONG?!!!
If you want a reason why we're seeing a change in the narrative of race in America, that isn't the Obama story, look no further than this.
A world famous rapper is borrowing elements of white avante garde rock music and European IDM, and presenting it in a package that people as diverse as 9 year old inner city girls to non-ironic upper class college dudes can enjoy and relate to simultaneously.
Epic Read: The Rum Diary
This, Hunter S. Thompson's first novel from the early 1960s, wasn't published until 1998. This fact rocks my fucking mind. A modern tragedy!
The Rum Diary is the story of a young American man from Kansas who poses as an accomplished journalist in order to work at a newspaper in the wild, lawless city of San Juan.
Looking for a crazy time so that he may live and feel free, the main character is torn between this and his sense of values and general respect for people. Accordingly, the city of San Juan in the late 1950s serves as a metaphor for the character's own personal dilemma; filled with insane, angry natives the city is becoming further tempered by American industry and tourism.
It's got sweet news room scenes, shady government dealings, sex, and lots of steak eating and alcohol.
Not only is this book sweet as shit (and the catalyst for my recent intense interest in novels regarding desperate young men going on wild sprees of insanity and abandon) but it is the first thing I've ever read where I feel that nearly all of the main character's decisions and actions are the things that I would do as well if I were him. A pleasantly surprising read from a fat writer that wore fishing vests a lot.
Epic Meals: McDonald's Dollar Menu
So unlike most people, who loved McDonald's as children and later realized how gross it was, I am kind of the opposite. I used to think it was gross, now I think it's awesome. Here's why:
2008 will be the year where I was more of a bum than ever before. I was unemployed for 75% of it. I realized the college life was quickly becoming a thing of the past and decided to milk it for all it was worth. I've carved my bank account down to fifteen cents before. The days where my glorious mother and father would replenish the coffers always felt like I had just defied incredible odds of poverty. This year, I got really good at being a bum, but still having my cake and eating it too. Honestly, I'd do it again, it was fun as shit.
The only real reason I got in this predicament was because my priorities were skewed; girls, studio time, hosting parties, and, the most expensive; drinking. To my 22 year old mind, all of these hold precedence over having enough food, doing laundry, and gasoline. So needless to say, my meal budget was never stacked.
On top of this, I'm a terrible eater. I forget to do it until I'm very hungry and then I crave instant satisfaction.
But wait, I just blew all my money on "spirit-of-the-moment" shit thinking it would work out like always! Well it did, in the shape of two glorious golden arches.
A dollar double cheeseburger from this franchise empire may not be the best thing in the world. Hell, usually the cheese isn't even really on the patty, the onions are little squares that might actually be Styrofoam, and you have to drop the twenty two cents for a little packet of sauce just to give it all some flavor.
But on those terrible, low bank account evenings at William and Mary, nothing was better than being able to fill up my growling stomach completely, and only for $3.50. Whenever I do have more cash, I'm never trying to go McDonalds, but like a best friend, it's nice to know there's a place out there that's always got your back.
FUN FACT: In 2008, while nearly every other business imaginable posted major losses due to the growing economic recession, McDonald's posted a 7% profit which analysts attributed to the success and popularity of it's dollar menu.
America, fuck yeah.
Epic Mailer: Brandon Martin
Yeah, yeah, so Edgar Keats and I are self promoting quite a bit. But anyway, I think 2008 was the year that Mr. Keats came into his own as a musician and has utterly blown me away with his abilities and unique voice. Drum power, drum power. He's the only dude that can understand what I am trying to say musically and "get it" right off.
He has the attuned sense of dynamics of any great songwriter.
If 2008 was the year shit started to come together, then I hope that 2009 will be the first real year of Lubec, thanks entirely to this great friend. So many sweet songs to be unleashed!!! oheydrbrrr....
Epic Brew: Orkney Skull Splitter
"Eddie, meet your demise," chirped Chris Tracy, his exaggerated beard and smile only making the impending doom more inviting.
He pushed the red capped bottle across the table. The beautiful Scottish sky behind the legit-looking pale skinned warrior was nothing if not inspiring.
"Alley-oop," I said.
We all know the allure of discount beers. That's why nothing was more enticing than the Green Leafe's half off burger night, with half off micro brew dogz. Before long, Chris and I would down three of the these delicious, robust Scottish 8.5% ABV babies and just be sittin' pretty.
Once spake a dude, "Satiny smooth in the mouth, deceptively light, and dangerously drinkable."
Named after a famous Viking Earl known only to his peasants as "the skullsplitter," headaches were never so tasty.
Epic Activity: Motorcycle License
Look at it. Just look at it. Sexy, retro, performance perfection. Granted the above stallion belongs to my father, but this year, I got to drive it.
This year was the beginning of my lifelong motorcycle love affair, as predicted in Daves n' Daveins' 10th grade ContraBand ode, "Motorcycle Eddie." The license was easy enough given that I've been around it all my these years, but to be able to ride the bike on your own, man! It's a whole new way to experience moving.
Riding a motorcycle is like driving a race car high. Naked. You notice things you would have never imagined you could perceive about speed and scenery before.
I'll always look back fondly on the times in the summer when my dad would follow me in the car, nervous that I would wipe out on his prized possession, as I raced around on Ashland country roads, happier than ever. I will somehow get one. Soon.
Epic Hottie: Britta Phillips
I'm not really one for celebrity crushes. They're unattainable, fake, and lack anything real that you find in a normal average joe or jane. But man, Britta fucking Phillips!!! Dream girl. Total bone zone. Pound Puppy. Ewww.
Move over Kim Gordon, you've been replaced by this sweet voiced slo-core vixen of the late Luna and currently in Dean & Britta with husband Dean Wareham of Luna and Galaxie 500.
Wait.....husband?!?! FuCK!!! IT's PICACHU!!! GOD DAMNIT!!! AAHHHH!!!!
Epic Tool: Moleskine Notebooks
Overpriced, douchey, and really pushing the supposed Hemingway connection, these stupid little fuckers somehow won me over.
Since discovering them this year (late in the game), I've since filled up four with lyrics, future band names, notes, and pictures of stupid shit (I found out I can still draw sweet battleship wars like back in the day). It's nice to have a little organization for it all even if it means I drop $16 dollars for what is essentially a pleather bound set of thin notecards.
Epic Sweetness: Somali Pirates
I'm actually a little surprised that this hot topic of the past year wasn't analyzed for it's sweetness at some point on this blog. I mean, what more could you want?
First off, the Somali pirates don't see themselves as pirates, but rather "the coast guard" of Somalia. They see the real pirates as the international fishers that cruise the waters off of the country and those that take advantage of Somalia's general disarray.
So what do these men do? They capture giant Saudi oil tankers and shipping vessels of other countries and hold them and their crews for ransom!
However, here's where it gets interesting, and where these men become more than just sea shanty terrorists.
The pirates have found that as long as they play it safe and courteous, nobody gets hurt, they get around two million dollars a tanker, and everyone is happy.
Most companies that run these massive ships have found that giving in to the pirates demmands and paying them has turned out to be a lot easier than trying to get the ships back by force.
Also, did I mention that the pirates are the most pimpingest dudes on the planet?!?!
In a recent BBC phone interview with the pirates, the BBC found that the Somali men were huge celcebrites in Somalia and living larger than life.
Robyn Hunter writes, "They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars...Piracy in many ways is socially acceptable. They have become fashionable."
It really is like in a movie, Hunter going on to note that the pirates have an elaborate specialized hierarchy within the group such as dudes with the sea faring knowlege, tech guys who operate all the GPS, and ex-militia men who serve as the muscle of the operation.
Additonally, the pirates have become known for their elaborate drug fueled parties, investment within Somalia and even the act of purchasing nearby islands and turning them into their own industrial and financial centers inviting investors and luxury clothing outlets and other properties.
Did I mention that they also treat the hostages like the most esteemed guests? One gang of pirates hired internationl chefs to specialize in the cuisine of each hostages native country!
Is this sweet?
Sweetness isn't even worthy of defining this.
MOST EPIC SHIT: Bears!!!
The names have been changed. But the story remains true.
The fall break hiking trip in the Shenandoah National Park was a great, relaxing, and beautiful time with close friends and a few people to get to know better. I had gorgeous countryside, brilliant red leaves, and a tent shared only with girls. It was great.
With the majority of navigational responsibilities willingly taken up by Dumbass Fucker, the older boyfriend of our hippie acquaintence Batshit Crazy, the rest of the group could simply relax as the duo checked out the map from time to time to make sure things were cool.
Problem was, neither D.F. or B.C. could actually read a map despite their years of hiking experience. Throughout the trip, the rest of us decided to let it slide.
Unfortunately, I had to leave the group early and hike back to my car, along with B.C. Her boyfriend intensely studied his map, surrounded by the hundreds of dollars of camping gear he had obtained. At a stop near a beautiful valley bridge, he determined the ideal exit for us.
"It'll be about a mile back to your car, only about 500 ft. elevation difference, shouldn't take more than an hour," he said knowingly.
"Awesome, I just want to be sure to get back before dark," I said, still firmly entrenched in my go-with-the-flow, solid bro attitude that I had maintained for the entire trip. I did not notice the black clouds of an impending shit storm brewing overhead.
At 4 PM, the girl and I left the group on our one hour journey back to my car, strategically parked in an all-night convenience store lot. With us, we carried a trash bag of all the leftover refuse of the group. A nice thing to do, we thought. Off we went, excited to rest our legs in the car after an entire day of intense mountain hiking.
However, after an hour, we were forced to come to an unfortunate truth. It would not be a mile back to my car, and we were only then at the foot of one of the largest mountains in the area. We were going to have to climb one of the tallest (highest!) mountains in the middle of the night, to get home.
Time went by slowly. We trudged up the side of the mountain, it's steep angle never flatlining. The girl started to fall behind due to exhaustion and the constant burn in our calves. It was nearly night.
"Let me help you," I said, holding gently onto her arm to help her keep going. "If you need to take a break just say so, it's no problem," I reminded her. Sure this sucked, but I was feeling good about keeping my cool.
More hiking.
After a while the girl whipped out her flashlight, an interesting thing that she wore on a headband. My trusty Mag Light had unfortunately died out the night before, leaving us in the complete dark, on the side of a moutain, with one forehead mounted flashlight.
That's when it happened.
Ten feet infront of us, on the thin, rocky path, a tree began to move with a violence usually reserved for bands of disgruntled foresters.
IT WAS A FUCKING BEAR!!!
The next 30 seconds are insane. Somehow, I immmediately pull out my pocket knife and the old Mag Light from my backpack. I'm brandishing both, ready to bash a bear. Then, I start to do the stupidest thing you can do when you run into a predator. I run. Luckily, right as I start to bolt, the girl begins to talk loudly to me.
"So what are you going to do Eddie, when you get home?!?!," she yells.
Suddenly I realize what's up. Don't move, and talk loudly. That apparently makes bears leave.
"I don't know, I'll probably go to sleep," I yell back, realizing that this girl may have just saved my life.
I notice some movement to my right. Through the moonlight about 20 feet into the woods, a much larger bear is moving slowly. I can see the massive curvature of it's slumped back. The leaves smash underneath it's paws.
For the first time since the ordeal started, I have my first real thought.
"This is just like in a horror movie," I think to myself. I can hear the family of bears moving around us as we remain completely still, talking loudly. I feel like I'm being toyed with before the kill.
After about 30 seconds, we can no longer hear any movement. It's just darkness and our breath. For the first time in my entire life, I'm considering the fact that I might soon die.
We start to move again, much more cautiously than before. I'm scared shitless. Then I realize something. We are still carrying the bag of trash from the campsite. What worse thing could you be carrying around bears than rotten fruit and used soup cans with ravioli paste on the inside?!?!
"We gotta get rid of that bag!," I exclaim. "We've got to!"
"No, we can't, that wouldn't be eco-friendly," she says.
By this time, I'm in complete survival mode, the bears could be anywhere. The bro-ish Hot Eatz of before was no more. My anger at being so misdirected in the darkness by this girl's boyfriend suddenly boils to the surface.
"Wait, what?," I ask, in the inflection of someone who just learned that their mother had in fact been an octopus from space who fucked earthmen.
"I mean, it's not natural, like an apple seed could grow here and it wouldn't be native to the area, we can't be responsible for that," she intones matter of factly.
She was so delusional in her own non-profit eco bullshit that she would rather get stupidly mauled to death by bears than plant a fucking apple tree. Kind of ironic really.
"We're throwing it away!" I yell at her. I step up to her menacingly. In the dark, she suddenly notices the fury in my eyes. I tower over her petite body.
I rip the bag out of her hands and hurl it off the side of the mountain. As the bag falls away, I can barely make out the last vestiges of orange sunlight somewhere in the vicinity of Roanoke.
I turn back to her, even more angry than before. She looks at me in the exact same way as in those old commercials where the Native American Indian cries one single tear as he watches the white men build factories and nuclear power plants.
"Let's fucking go," I scream directly at her.
For the next hour we walk in the darkness, terrified to stay silent, so we continue to make conversation, despite our complete hatred of one another.
We fake conversation for the next twenty minutes, expecting any second for another bear to pop out. I have virtually no light except the scant times that I can use a bit of hers. It was the most terrifying hour of my life.
Soon, our conversation wears out due to exhaustion. I decide to sing some songs to fill in the silence and drive away bears. Problem is, I'm so freaked, I can't remember the words to any songs, except, strangely, the show tunes I learned during my vocal lessons.
I serenade the wildlife of the Shenandoah Valley with the likes of "Some Enchanted Evening," and "I Won't Send Roses." Jesus, if it was my last song, couldn't it have been "Teenage Riot" or some Neil Young or something!?! I COULD HAVE DIED SINGING SHOW TUNES!!! FUCKING SHOW TUNES!!!! THANKS 2 K HATE!!!
The sight of the road through a clearing was the most phenomenal feeling in the world. Nearby is our ticket out of the god foresaken place.
The ride home was pure unadulterated silence.
Honorable Mentions: The Big Take Over Magazine, that sweet night with Dave in the soccer field, blazers and oxford shirts, coach's wife
1.01.2009
Newman's Epic 10
See more posts in the "Epic 10" Series
Epic Hobby - Homebrewing
While I was introduced to the hobby (through OKAYGUYS) a couple years ago, 2008 saw a huge rise in my actually doing it. While I'm still getting my hands around everything (side note: if you ever ferment with oak chips use a muslin bag), brewing your own beer is totally sweet. You enjoy your own beer, understand others better, and have something great to do with buds for a few hours on the weekend. I would warn against a trend I have seen all to often, picking up the hobby and then becoming a complete asshole about it.
Epic Fun Time - The Wii
I got a Wii this year and while I can't blow away zombies in Left 4 Dead, or dig through trash cans in Fallout 3, I can blow away zombies in Resident Evil 4 and break open gourds in Twilight Princess. I don't really do the hardcore gaming I used to, and like having something entertaining to do when friends come over for some drinks. It's just plain fun, though I do maybe plan on buying an xbox anyway.
Epic Nerdlinger - John Hodgman
The PC guy from those Mac commercials had a huge year. Perhaps more digestible by normal folk, he joins Guillermo in the mainstreaming of nerdlingerliness. I've really enjoyed his musings and general approach to thought, though I haven't yet gotten to his latest book. I think the thing I appreciate most is his celebration of his nerddom. He'll never grow up to be a fireman or an astronaut, but he's got his own thing pretty well down pat. Though his ukulele playing is still unsettling.
Epic Brewpub - Piece
Piece brews their own beer, cooks you a pizza, and occasionally hosts Talking Heads tribute bands. It's a deal as long as you don't mind being surrounded by like 30 TVs and some bros from De Paul university. OKAYGUYS and I split and finished a large pizza there. You can also order mashed potatoes, if that's your thing.
Epic Disappointment - The Chicago Cubs
I moved to Chicago two summers ago, and while looking for a job in my apartment, there was no better way to pass the time than watching the Cubs. I've since been to several games at Wrigley, and the atmosphere there is completely contagious. I'd call myself a Cubs fan. As you may or may not be aware, the Cubbies were coming up huge all season. When Fukudome turned out to be total crap, Geo came up with the big plays. When they made it to the post-season however, they played like chumps and lost so huge it didn't make any sense. The only good to come from this is that now I've earned a little clout as a Cubs fan (hey I was there for the 2008 season).
Epic Cookie - The Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
This cookie came up so huge this year. They are ridiculously easy to make, delicious, and stay chewy and delectable for several days after baking. Now I know what you're thinking, but what about oatmeal raisin? Fuck oatmeal raisin. Take out all that fruit nonsense and put in some delicious chocolate. Now you've got a cookie.
Epic Comeback - America
Much like the McRib, America is back. The election has me feeling involved in a way that I haven't since watching 4th of July fireworks at The Diamond while Lee Greenwood blared. I know I'm not the only one swept up in America fever, and that's the whole point.
Epic Discovery - Technology
I'd like to place into this category the explosion of stuff I acquired/downloaded/got involved in this year, and it's starts with the iPhone. Which in turn got me downloading podcasts. I now write for a blog, soon I'll have nano-robots swimming in my bloodstream. I know these things have been around for a while now, but I wasn't using them, and now that I am it's not so bad. I'll probably eat my words later when I'm a slave to the cyborg armada, forced underground to mine the crystals they eat for energy.
Epic Band (non-fictitious) - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
It's as though someone took My Bloody Valentine and stopped their musical development at Sunny Sundae Smile. Despite having a name that sounds like it was invented by 13 year-olds who stole their older sister's Joy Division tape, Pains brings twee pop to the next level in a way that doesn't really change much about it to begin with.
Epic Beverage (non-beer) - The Highball
Highballs can be made a couple ways, my favorite is Bourbon and Ginger ale. Again I will point to its ease of making and subsequent deliciousness. I used to make them for my grandma every now and then, but hadn't really explored it myself. Now I have, and can say, she was really on to something.
Epic Hobby - Homebrewing
While I was introduced to the hobby (through OKAYGUYS) a couple years ago, 2008 saw a huge rise in my actually doing it. While I'm still getting my hands around everything (side note: if you ever ferment with oak chips use a muslin bag), brewing your own beer is totally sweet. You enjoy your own beer, understand others better, and have something great to do with buds for a few hours on the weekend. I would warn against a trend I have seen all to often, picking up the hobby and then becoming a complete asshole about it.Epic Fun Time - The Wii
I got a Wii this year and while I can't blow away zombies in Left 4 Dead, or dig through trash cans in Fallout 3, I can blow away zombies in Resident Evil 4 and break open gourds in Twilight Princess. I don't really do the hardcore gaming I used to, and like having something entertaining to do when friends come over for some drinks. It's just plain fun, though I do maybe plan on buying an xbox anyway.Epic Nerdlinger - John Hodgman
The PC guy from those Mac commercials had a huge year. Perhaps more digestible by normal folk, he joins Guillermo in the mainstreaming of nerdlingerliness. I've really enjoyed his musings and general approach to thought, though I haven't yet gotten to his latest book. I think the thing I appreciate most is his celebration of his nerddom. He'll never grow up to be a fireman or an astronaut, but he's got his own thing pretty well down pat. Though his ukulele playing is still unsettling.Epic Brewpub - Piece
Piece brews their own beer, cooks you a pizza, and occasionally hosts Talking Heads tribute bands. It's a deal as long as you don't mind being surrounded by like 30 TVs and some bros from De Paul university. OKAYGUYS and I split and finished a large pizza there. You can also order mashed potatoes, if that's your thing.Epic Disappointment - The Chicago Cubs
I moved to Chicago two summers ago, and while looking for a job in my apartment, there was no better way to pass the time than watching the Cubs. I've since been to several games at Wrigley, and the atmosphere there is completely contagious. I'd call myself a Cubs fan. As you may or may not be aware, the Cubbies were coming up huge all season. When Fukudome turned out to be total crap, Geo came up with the big plays. When they made it to the post-season however, they played like chumps and lost so huge it didn't make any sense. The only good to come from this is that now I've earned a little clout as a Cubs fan (hey I was there for the 2008 season).Epic Cookie - The Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
This cookie came up so huge this year. They are ridiculously easy to make, delicious, and stay chewy and delectable for several days after baking. Now I know what you're thinking, but what about oatmeal raisin? Fuck oatmeal raisin. Take out all that fruit nonsense and put in some delicious chocolate. Now you've got a cookie.Epic Comeback - America
Much like the McRib, America is back. The election has me feeling involved in a way that I haven't since watching 4th of July fireworks at The Diamond while Lee Greenwood blared. I know I'm not the only one swept up in America fever, and that's the whole point.
Epic Discovery - Technology
I'd like to place into this category the explosion of stuff I acquired/downloaded/got involved in this year, and it's starts with the iPhone. Which in turn got me downloading podcasts. I now write for a blog, soon I'll have nano-robots swimming in my bloodstream. I know these things have been around for a while now, but I wasn't using them, and now that I am it's not so bad. I'll probably eat my words later when I'm a slave to the cyborg armada, forced underground to mine the crystals they eat for energy.Epic Band (non-fictitious) - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
It's as though someone took My Bloody Valentine and stopped their musical development at Sunny Sundae Smile. Despite having a name that sounds like it was invented by 13 year-olds who stole their older sister's Joy Division tape, Pains brings twee pop to the next level in a way that doesn't really change much about it to begin with.Epic Beverage (non-beer) - The Highball
Highballs can be made a couple ways, my favorite is Bourbon and Ginger ale. Again I will point to its ease of making and subsequent deliciousness. I used to make them for my grandma every now and then, but hadn't really explored it myself. Now I have, and can say, she was really on to something.
12.30.2008
Edgar Keats' Epic 10
So the new year approaches. Tomorrow I will wake up early and make my yearly trek to Hollywood cemetery and contemplate the year that is about to end on a deep level. But today is all about the tangible, the trivial, and the Epic.
Epic Tube- Who's That Poke'mon?
There is a criticism that Epic Mail has become nothing more than a repository for idiosyncratic YouTube videos. I answer those critics with this:
It is true that I have previously posted this ridiculous video to Epic Mail. I'm posting it again because I love it so much. Of the roughly 1,152,000 views it has registered, it would not surprise me if I were responsible for a small fraction. Truthfully, 2008 was a year in which I watched many Poke'mon videos on YouTube, and I found more than a few of them simply hilarious. My girlfriend is very confused by my obsession with online Poke'mon videos, and I must admit that I am too. I never watched the show, never played the card game, the video games, or saw any of the movies. My mysterious connection to online Poke'mon videos was born in 2008, and hopefully 2009 will see it mature.
Epic Read: The Complete Sherlock Holmes
In the last month of any given year I am bombarded by end of the year best of lists. These lists are often filled with albums I haven't listened to, films I haven't seen, and video games I was completely unaware of. But the list that usually fills me with the most regret is the best-of book list. As much as I love reading, I rarely read more than four or five books a year.
But this year is different. Excluding audiobooks, I only really read one book this year. And I have no regrets whatsoever. About a year ago, when I still worked at Barnes & Noble, I stumbled across a beautif ul leather-bound publishing of the Complete Sherlock Holmes. I stared in shock at it's relatively low $20 price tag. I had to have it. In 2008 I went along with Holmes and Watson for a Study in Scarlett, I pieced together the mystery of the Speckled Band, and I bit my nails as Holmes faced his arch-nimesis, the evil genius Professor Moriarty. Sorry I didn't get to A Thousand Splendid Suns this year, but I have no regrets.
Epic Road Trip: The Civil Wargasm 2K8
In mid July I hastily embarked upon a trip to Gettysburg. Invites were sent, accepted, and subsequently rescinded. When all was said and done, only myself, my brother Jordan, and my esteemed
In mid July I hastily embarked upon a trip to Gettysburg. Invites were sent, accepted, and subsequently rescinded. When all was said and done, only myself, my brother Jordan, and my esteemed colleague Matt Sherrill were left to embark upon this adventure.
We pushed north in my rickety subcompact and enjoyed 24 hours of camping, history, Tim & Eric quotations, hat changes, photo competition, sober campfire ghost stories, bro stories, and so much more. Look alive, because the Civil Wargasm 2K9 is coming down the pike. This year's Civil Wargasm is far more epic in scope, harkening back to the Civil Wargasms roots as a crash course Civil War immersion trip, as described in the fantastic book Confederates in the Attic.
Epic Tunes- A Sampling Of My Favorite Tunes Of 2008
I've never been one for talking about music in any in-depth sort of way. My approach to music is much like kids' approach to Apple Jacks- I listen to what I like. Here is what I liked in 2008:Epic 10
Epic Show: Broken Social Scene @ Toad's Place
2008 was an epoch year of concerts for me. With the opening of both the National and Toad's Place, I no longer had to drive an hour and a half east to Norfolk or two hours north to Washington to see a band, but merely 15 minutes west to downtown Richmond. These new venues brought many great acts to Richmond who, in years past, would have skipped over Fist City. Bands I had the pleasure of seeing this year in Richmond included The National (at the National, har har), Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band, Built to Spill, Okkervil River, and Broken Social Scene. Broken Social Sce ne delivered a truly Epic show at Toad's Place, and one of my more memorable concert experiences. The band fed of off the unusually enthusiastic Richmond crowd, and delivered a set that can be best described as Springsteen-esque. With the running time approaching three and a half hours, the band ended their set seemingly because they had run out of songs to play.
Epic Pay Raise- New Job
Epic Meal- Filet Mignon @ Kabutos
Epic Mail rarely delves into the culinary world. But every now and then a meal comes along that is so succulent, so decadent, so deliciously Epic that it merits mentioning.
The occasion was my birthday. My girlfriend Hayley joined my family around the giant hibachi grill, and I was full of anticipation and saliva. There was the salad with the mind-bogglingly delicious ginger dressing, the comparatively lackluster watery soup with the mushrooms, and then there he was, the hibachi chef. I sat mesmerized as he practiced his fiery vegetable magic, engaged us with his wonderfully wry hibachi humor, and defied death as his razor sharp cutlery became an extension of his body. When all was said and done, a simmering mound of vegetables, rice, and, most importantly, tender filet mignon sat in front of me. I ate slowly, savoring each and every bite, letting the flavors dance across my quivering pallate. And then, it was finished, digesting in my greatful stomach. Spent, I leaned back in my chair, and asked Hayley is she was planning on finishing hers.
Epic Self-Promotion- Lubec
2008 saw the rise of Lubec, a music project I am part of along with Mr. Hot Eatz. A year ago, Hot Eatz and I were joined by our colleagues Quilliam and Daves N' Davin' at Sound of Music studios here in Richmond to record a few songs. After much remixing, the desired results were achieved, and the songs are something we can all be proud of. It was a sublime pleasure to be able to play music this year with Hot Eatz and all who joined us. In 2009 I look forward to creating more music, and playing more shows.
Epic Change- Decision '08
Often times we at Epic Mail ask ourselves "is this sweet?" When asking myself the question "was the election in 2008 sweet?" I can only offer an unequivocal and forceful "YES!"
At this point, the fact that Barack Obama will be our next president has set in. But from time to time, I still find myself saying "holy shit, how did this happen?" I know its been said enough to become a cliche' of sorts, but on election day, I was truly proud to be an American, as well as a resident of the former capital of the Confederacy, who went for their first democrat since 1964.
Epic Blog- Epic Mail
2008 saw the birth of the most exciting blog to come along in years- Epic Mail. Started in mid September by my most esteemed colleague Coaltrain, Epic Mail began small, but soon exploded with briliant posts exploring the American psyche. Epic Mail soon became a place for starved children of the internet age to go for nourishment. Where else can you go for an in-depth analysis of Chris Dane Owens' briliant video for "Shine On Me?" Where else can you go to read 8bit's charming, self deprecating remarks? Where else can you find an exploration of the notion of "Sweet," or take part in evaluating Chi City Man's mack? You can only find these, and many, many more topics at Epic Mail. Thank you so much for reading, and stay tuned for 2009, a year that stands to be, in a word, Epic.
12.24.2008
An Epic Christmas Gift!
Well folks, we've done it again! We present to you the Contra Band's seventh Christmas album entitled "No Christmas While You're Luke." Here's a link to download your copy today!A few of our contributors (including myself) are/were members of The Contra Band. What started as a high school band has now become an annual gathering of friends with the expressed purpose of recording a Christmas album. As I've already noted, this album is the seventh Christmas album in the collection.
In truth, this year's album almost didn't happen. First off, Luke bailed. Second, Brandon informed us that he no longer had a bass drum. And third, as Eddie and I sat in Chipotle eating our respective burritos, we found out that Brandon was stuck in traffic on I-95 in Northern VA. Eddie and I began speculating on what kind of sound we wanted to have on this album, or perhaps it is more appropriate to say what kind of sound we COULD get on this album. We decided to do something a little different than usual. Instead of writing grandiose, post-rock jams coupled with absurd pop ramblings, we opted for minimalism and brevity as our guiding musical ideas. Fortunately (for us and the album) Brandon did end up arriving on time and his presence is felt on the tracks to which he contributed.
Anyways, I speak for everyone here at Epic Mail when I wish you an Epic Christmas! Stay tuned for more Epic 10's later this week and next week.
12.22.2008
Quilliam's Epic 10 of 2008
See more posts in the "Epic Ten" series.
10. Epic Time Vacuum -- Fallout 3
Set in the future, post-apocalyptic ruins of Washington, D.C. and surrounding suburbs, Fallout 3 is my ideal video game, and one of the few things that makes living with my parents tolerable. Within the first few hours of playing, I had trekked through the crumbling metro tunnels of Dupont Circle, blasting ghouls, only to happen upon a cult of mutated vampires who tried to convince me to join their ranks. Awesome. I tend to look at Fallout as less of a game than as a "dry-run." This game got me into such a post-apocalyptic mindset that when my friend casually mentioned that she had a case of bottled water in her trunk, my first thought was, "Pure water... so valuable. How can I steal it?" I'm not sure how to convincingly argue that digging through every single virtual garbage bin, rusted container, and overturned vending machine for scraps of irradiated food is fun, but trust me -- it's amazing. If you're still not convinced, then don't come begging for help when the bombs start to fall.
9. Epic Quotables -- The Beaver Boys
I approached this video as a skeptic, as I usually do for everything that Matt tries to introduce into my life. But the epic charm of these Tim and Eric characters soon broke down any barriers I had put up between myself and their intellectual wares. They preach a simple gospel: shrimp, and white wine. And the occasional Richardson Richardson. Are they from Jersey? Are they gay? Does half-digested shrimp and white wine really look like pepto-bismol? Constantly quoting from this video almost lost me several friends and a relationship.
DILLY, HE'S LOOKIN' REAL FINE, DIPPINHISSHRIMP INTOABITOFWHITEWINE
8. Epic Remix -- The Hipsterrunoff Remix of "Nude"
This song is the only worthwhile thing that came out of Radiohead's remix contest. Carles, author of the blog Hipsterrunoff, created a hilariously irreverent track. Halfway through the contest, it was winning by a wide margin of votes, but eventually succumbed to Holy Fuck. If only the world knew their loss.
"I'll never forget the day that the drummer from Metallica shut down Napster."
"My favorite album of the 1990s was In Rainbows, by Radiohead."
7. Epic Film -- Primer
Made on a budget of $7,000, Primer unexpectedly turned out to be my favorite movie in 2008. The basic premise is that two young engineers accidentally build a time machine, and then go nuts with it. Though time travel movies are often categorized as "science fiction," this film comes across as a more serious, plausible story. The dialogue is fast-paced, technical, and parses out just enough information to make the audience do some work. Having seen it several times, I still have only a tenuous grasp of the actual plot points -- but somehow it makes the experience more enjoyable. After a viewing, Primer had myself and a few friends crowded around a piece of paper trying to illustrate our theories using absurd diagrams that involved a lot of arrows and stick figures, and asking questions like, "So, if I went back in time to kill my third double, but the second double gets into a new box, what happens to my current self?" Primer is a big puzzle that will keep you up at night -- beautifully shot, vaguely menacing, and bizarrely enticing.
6. Epic Radio -- NPR
Yes, I had listened to NPR before 2008 -- but in 2008 I have a regular commute to work. And during that commute, NPR is a lifesaver. This praise comes with the notable exception of Harry Shearer's "Le Show," which is the worst thing to ever happen to radio since the invention of television.
5. Epic Lunch -- The "Bruce Springsteen" Panini
As a regular working stiff, I understand the importance of a delicious lunch to properly rejuvenate before returning to the salt mines. And so I was ecstatic to discover this sandwich at my favorite Doylestown lunch spot, Lilly's. I can say, without hesitation, that the Bruce Springsteen is the best sandwich I've had in my entire life. It's fortunate that I recently learned to love the song "Born to Run," because otherwise I would never have paid money for something with The Boss's name attached. I have some suspicion about the patriotism of Lilly's management, however, since the constituent ingredients of the Bruce Springsteen are arguably un-American, and decidedly un-working-class. I'll let you be the judge:
Grilled chicken, provolone cheese, fire roasted peppers and baby spinach with balsamic vinaigrette on grilled sourdough.
4. Epic Brewery -- Russian River
The two best beers I've had all year are courtesy of Russian River, out in California: Blind Pig IPA and Pliny the Elder, a double IPA. They inexplicably appeared on tap at my local suburban-drunk sports bar, and the bartender always seems a bit confused when I order them. This beer is so good that I almost don't mind the ridiculous Chimay chalice it's served in. I say almost, because that stupid cup draws a lot of suspicious stares from under the hunting-caps of said suburban drunks, who probably think I'm "one of the gays."
3. Epic Fictitious Band -- Crucifictorius
Yes, Landry's rock band in the Friday Night Lights television series. The more the writers develop Landry's character, the more we get to see this fantastic band. Their music might suck, but the band embodies everything that's totally sweet about the concept of Landry. And in the most recent season, he's been working the "band mack" for all it's worth. Additionally, Crucifictorius gave us the debut of two new characters, both of whom have nothing to do with football: the lesbian bass player -- totally sweet; and the unnamed drummer dude -- totally sweet. Unlike Driveshaft, a similarly great fictitious band that met an early demise, Crucifictorius is just getting started. I already give their debut album a 9.8.
Honorable FNL mention -- Saracen's Mom (totally sweet)
2. Epic Album -- Cut Copy -- In Ghost Colours
I understand if you haven't had time to stop listening to the Fuck Buttons, Fucked Up, and Holy Fuck albums on repeat, simultaneously -- but before the year closes I highly recommend giving "In Ghost Colours" a chance, because these slick dudes from Australia have released the best album of 2008 (go buy some shaving cream, Fleet Foxes). Cut Copy achieves the perfect blend of pop, dance pop, and rock pop. Did I mention pop? Their music is soaked with unashamed optimism. Almost without exception, their songs can be classified into these four categories: songs about hearts; songs about ghosts; songs about dreams; or songs about love. And sometimes dreams about ghosts, or loving dreams, or ghosts with hearts. Having spent the better part of my youth listening to Thom Yorke screech about riot police, paranoia, and car wrecks, it's a nice breath of fresh air. If nothing else, Cut Copy has ensured that Australia will crush France in the impending Electrowars, and will rule gasoline-powered iPods in the post-electro-fallout wasteland that will follow.
1. The most epic thing of all time (in 2008) -- "Undefeatable"
This video is the most epic thing I've seen in my entire lifetime.
And yes the movie is actually called "Undefeatable."
I have so much to say about this video. Words almost seems fruitless in the face of such visual grandeur. I had a whole essay prepared about the mechanics of the fight and the underlying homoerotic/heterosexual messaging contained within, but it seems more appropriate to let it speak for itself. If nothing else, make sure you watch the last 20 seconds of this video -- I believe it contains a potentially explosive future catchphrase. After the villain is hoisted up to the roof of a warehouse via a meat hook in his eye socket, our heroes let the puns fly:
Girl: "Keep an eye out for ya, Stingray."
Dude: "Yeah. SEE YA."
Everything -- the context, the emphasis, the stupid look on his face. It's perfect. SEE YA.
Here's to another glorious blog year.
10. Epic Time Vacuum -- Fallout 3
Set in the future, post-apocalyptic ruins of Washington, D.C. and surrounding suburbs, Fallout 3 is my ideal video game, and one of the few things that makes living with my parents tolerable. Within the first few hours of playing, I had trekked through the crumbling metro tunnels of Dupont Circle, blasting ghouls, only to happen upon a cult of mutated vampires who tried to convince me to join their ranks. Awesome. I tend to look at Fallout as less of a game than as a "dry-run." This game got me into such a post-apocalyptic mindset that when my friend casually mentioned that she had a case of bottled water in her trunk, my first thought was, "Pure water... so valuable. How can I steal it?" I'm not sure how to convincingly argue that digging through every single virtual garbage bin, rusted container, and overturned vending machine for scraps of irradiated food is fun, but trust me -- it's amazing. If you're still not convinced, then don't come begging for help when the bombs start to fall.9. Epic Quotables -- The Beaver Boys
I approached this video as a skeptic, as I usually do for everything that Matt tries to introduce into my life. But the epic charm of these Tim and Eric characters soon broke down any barriers I had put up between myself and their intellectual wares. They preach a simple gospel: shrimp, and white wine. And the occasional Richardson Richardson. Are they from Jersey? Are they gay? Does half-digested shrimp and white wine really look like pepto-bismol? Constantly quoting from this video almost lost me several friends and a relationship.
DILLY, HE'S LOOKIN' REAL FINE, DIPPINHISSHRIMP INTOABITOFWHITEWINE
8. Epic Remix -- The Hipsterrunoff Remix of "Nude"
This song is the only worthwhile thing that came out of Radiohead's remix contest. Carles, author of the blog Hipsterrunoff, created a hilariously irreverent track. Halfway through the contest, it was winning by a wide margin of votes, but eventually succumbed to Holy Fuck. If only the world knew their loss.
"I'll never forget the day that the drummer from Metallica shut down Napster."
"My favorite album of the 1990s was In Rainbows, by Radiohead."
7. Epic Film -- Primer
Made on a budget of $7,000, Primer unexpectedly turned out to be my favorite movie in 2008. The basic premise is that two young engineers accidentally build a time machine, and then go nuts with it. Though time travel movies are often categorized as "science fiction," this film comes across as a more serious, plausible story. The dialogue is fast-paced, technical, and parses out just enough information to make the audience do some work. Having seen it several times, I still have only a tenuous grasp of the actual plot points -- but somehow it makes the experience more enjoyable. After a viewing, Primer had myself and a few friends crowded around a piece of paper trying to illustrate our theories using absurd diagrams that involved a lot of arrows and stick figures, and asking questions like, "So, if I went back in time to kill my third double, but the second double gets into a new box, what happens to my current self?" Primer is a big puzzle that will keep you up at night -- beautifully shot, vaguely menacing, and bizarrely enticing.6. Epic Radio -- NPR
Yes, I had listened to NPR before 2008 -- but in 2008 I have a regular commute to work. And during that commute, NPR is a lifesaver. This praise comes with the notable exception of Harry Shearer's "Le Show," which is the worst thing to ever happen to radio since the invention of television.
5. Epic Lunch -- The "Bruce Springsteen" Panini
As a regular working stiff, I understand the importance of a delicious lunch to properly rejuvenate before returning to the salt mines. And so I was ecstatic to discover this sandwich at my favorite Doylestown lunch spot, Lilly's. I can say, without hesitation, that the Bruce Springsteen is the best sandwich I've had in my entire life. It's fortunate that I recently learned to love the song "Born to Run," because otherwise I would never have paid money for something with The Boss's name attached. I have some suspicion about the patriotism of Lilly's management, however, since the constituent ingredients of the Bruce Springsteen are arguably un-American, and decidedly un-working-class. I'll let you be the judge:
Grilled chicken, provolone cheese, fire roasted peppers and baby spinach with balsamic vinaigrette on grilled sourdough.
4. Epic Brewery -- Russian River
The two best beers I've had all year are courtesy of Russian River, out in California: Blind Pig IPA and Pliny the Elder, a double IPA. They inexplicably appeared on tap at my local suburban-drunk sports bar, and the bartender always seems a bit confused when I order them. This beer is so good that I almost don't mind the ridiculous Chimay chalice it's served in. I say almost, because that stupid cup draws a lot of suspicious stares from under the hunting-caps of said suburban drunks, who probably think I'm "one of the gays."3. Epic Fictitious Band -- Crucifictorius
Yes, Landry's rock band in the Friday Night Lights television series. The more the writers develop Landry's character, the more we get to see this fantastic band. Their music might suck, but the band embodies everything that's totally sweet about the concept of Landry. And in the most recent season, he's been working the "band mack" for all it's worth. Additionally, Crucifictorius gave us the debut of two new characters, both of whom have nothing to do with football: the lesbian bass player -- totally sweet; and the unnamed drummer dude -- totally sweet. Unlike Driveshaft, a similarly great fictitious band that met an early demise, Crucifictorius is just getting started. I already give their debut album a 9.8.Honorable FNL mention -- Saracen's Mom (totally sweet)
2. Epic Album -- Cut Copy -- In Ghost Colours
I understand if you haven't had time to stop listening to the Fuck Buttons, Fucked Up, and Holy Fuck albums on repeat, simultaneously -- but before the year closes I highly recommend giving "In Ghost Colours" a chance, because these slick dudes from Australia have released the best album of 2008 (go buy some shaving cream, Fleet Foxes). Cut Copy achieves the perfect blend of pop, dance pop, and rock pop. Did I mention pop? Their music is soaked with unashamed optimism. Almost without exception, their songs can be classified into these four categories: songs about hearts; songs about ghosts; songs about dreams; or songs about love. And sometimes dreams about ghosts, or loving dreams, or ghosts with hearts. Having spent the better part of my youth listening to Thom Yorke screech about riot police, paranoia, and car wrecks, it's a nice breath of fresh air. If nothing else, Cut Copy has ensured that Australia will crush France in the impending Electrowars, and will rule gasoline-powered iPods in the post-electro-fallout wasteland that will follow.1. The most epic thing of all time (in 2008) -- "Undefeatable"
This video is the most epic thing I've seen in my entire lifetime.
And yes the movie is actually called "Undefeatable."
I have so much to say about this video. Words almost seems fruitless in the face of such visual grandeur. I had a whole essay prepared about the mechanics of the fight and the underlying homoerotic/heterosexual messaging contained within, but it seems more appropriate to let it speak for itself. If nothing else, make sure you watch the last 20 seconds of this video -- I believe it contains a potentially explosive future catchphrase. After the villain is hoisted up to the roof of a warehouse via a meat hook in his eye socket, our heroes let the puns fly:
Girl: "Keep an eye out for ya, Stingray."
Dude: "Yeah. SEE YA."
Everything -- the context, the emphasis, the stupid look on his face. It's perfect. SEE YA.
Here's to another glorious blog year.
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