2008 Text Message Census: A Study in Inanity

Today, deleting numerous entries from the "Sent" text message folder of my phone, I decided to keep track of recurring messages, general trends, and strange occurrences (these messages are only those that occurred between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am). The results, in no particular order:

1. Anything to do with "the mack" (this includes "the mack is huge," "the mack goes international," "nothing can stop this mack," "mack attack," "British sculptress mack," "you have to see this mack," and the simple yet elegant "the mack"): 19 entries

2. "Sneak," "kriek," or "skreek": 5 entries

3. "L love you Dave": 1 entry

4. "I am lying in a pile of trash": 1 entry

5. "I said a ygbkmg": 2 entries

6. "Got em": 3 entries

7. "Jager bombs" or "Jage bems" (includes images of jagerbombs): 5 entries

8. Anything crudely written in Jerseyesque dialect (including the somewhat inexplicable "ya motha's baked ziti"): 4 entries

9. "You gotta sneak it": 1 entry

10. "Chub toad" or "Old chub toad": 2 entries

11. Nonsensical jumbles of letters: 2 entries

12. "Gotta do it" or "I did it" or "you did it": 5 entries

13. Anything resembling a coherent or worthwhile thought ("no its a right off of 14th"): 1 entry

"DAAAAMN DUDE!"

http://www.spike.com/video/whos-ultimate/3045398


the cursor has been blinking for 15 minutes. nothing left to say.

Pete "Frampton" Drake

FINALLY

We have a decent Obama impression:

This just makes it clear how boring and emotionless Fred Armisen's impersonation on SNL really is.

I'm so sorry Dave.

It seems as though Tom Green will be back on television, hosting an environmentally themed game show, "Go for the GREEN!"

He also now has a full beard.

My condolences on your future heckling.

I fell for this too

I can't tell if this is the funniest or saddest story of the year

Books, and Bits of Sick

I was browsing the amazon.com bestseller list this evening, as I often do to stay abreast of the common man's reading habits, when I suddenly found myself violently projectile-vomiting all over my apartment, coating the walls, furniture and my own flesh in malodorous chunks of half-digested burrito. The cuddly catalyst:

Might I present to you #30 on the amazon.com bestseller list, Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World. From the Booklist review (I kid you not):

"The story of how a bedraggled orange fur ball became "Dewey Readmore Books," an enchantingly irresistible library mascot capable of bringing international attention to a small midwestern town and melting the heart of even the most curmudgeonly visitor, is uplifting enough; but woven among the cute-cat anecdotes are Myron's own inspirational stories of enduring welfare, the abuses of an alcoholic husband, breast cancer, and single motherhood. Myron's beguiling, poignant, and tender tale of survival, loyalty, and love is an unforgettable study in the mysterious and wondrous ways animals, and libraries, enrich humanity."

Fortunately, according to my research, the "bedgraggled orange fur ball" is quite dead. Unfortunately, 'twas not by own hand, but due to "complications from a stomach tumor." I only wish that he had lived to meet the one "curmudgeonly visitor" with a heart icy enough to resist his precious purrs. Also, is it me, or is that cat's neck incredibly huge? I should contact my friends in publishing to see that the title is altered to read Dewey: The Freakish Neck-Cat That the American Reading Public Will Surely Find Inexplicably Charming But Ultimately Dies an Excruciating Death Due to a Stomach Tumor the Size of a Human Fetus.

Also, I only now realized that the Dewey name is alluding to the Dewey decimal system. Goddammit. Now if only I had a cat to lap up this puke...

Awkwarrrrd

And is this just me, or is Michelle Obama's right nipple showing?

Oh well, nothing could be worse than this picture. Reagan looks like he's got a raging hard-on and Rosalynn Carter either wants to kill herself or Nancy Reagan for wearing that coat:


Why does the press have to make this into a photo op? It's like losing your house, your wife and your job, and then having to smile and say cheese with the guy who's taking all three.

**UPDATE (3:19 PM): Mrs. Carter is kinda hot. In a super matronly sorta way. Who knew?

Epic Throng

The Grant Park Rally was incredible. Up until the election was called (my favorite moment of the night), it amounted to a 100,000 person CNN watching party. We recited the Pledge of Allegiance and sang the Star Spangled Banner (after the woman performing on stage sang a couple wrong words). I just remember feeling invisibly connected to the thousands of strangers surrounding me. Sleeper pick for great moment of the night, the streets of the Loop after the speech. Masses of people in the middle of Michigan Avenue, hugging, blowing trumpets, selling bejeweled Obama faces on oversized T-shirts. A co-worker of mine summed the night up nicely, "I was prepared to fully piss myself in the middle of the crowd, and I think people around me would have been pretty cool about it."

The Day After

Like most everyone in our demographic, I've been through a lot of emotions in the last 24 hours. I have a lot of (unironic) thoughts, and I'm sure I'll put them into a lengthy blog post soon. But for now, this pretty much sums up my state of mind:

From The Distant Past of 1999

It seems the Hampster Dance (the original internet meme) is alive and well. One visit to Hampsterdance.com shows that Hampton the Hampster has since assembled a band and has recorded a shitload of songs. If you act now you can order the new Hampster Dance holiday album.

To even further invoke the more sad parts of turn-of-the-century nostalgia, it turns out the MuchMusic channel once claimed this "the most annoying song in history."